Caught speeding so far: * Six planes * Three helicopters * Four pigeons * One eagle * Superman * A really fast cloud

AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The worst poker face ever.

You've got to admit that if Jesus said this 2,000 years ago, that's bloody impressive.

I think you've got your money's worth there, mate.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

"That's the last time you crap on my head."

My old Thesaurus had become tatty due to regular use over many years, so I bought a new one yesterday. But when I got home with it I found all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

That language is a bit strong for a driving instructor.

I'm thinking of entering. Even I could complete that race.

There's no way you'd get me on that plane.

A neighbour told me he used to be a good footballer. He decided to make a comeback this season and joined a local team called The Musketeers. They've already played four pre-season friendlies. Their results in these games have been three wins and a draw. All 4-1 and one 4-all.

This is why spacing is so important.

A friend told me this morning he made an unfortunate spacing error while booking his holiday this year. "I'm now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads," he said.

Once upon a time, newspapers had proofreaders

One of my friends has a parrot that wouldn't stop swearing, so he put him in the fridge. After 20 minutes, he took the parrot out and asked if he had learnt his lesson. Shivering, the parrot promised to be good, but said he had one question: "What did that chicken do?"

They said it was impossible, but it's finally happened.

When a muffin explodes and becomes an elephant.

I feel srory for the 45 plepoe who cna't raed this.

Someone asked me yesterday what's the difference between ignorance and apathy. I don't know and I don't care.