In a World gone mad, there's only one thing to do: GIVE UP AND DIE. But Dark Lord Alice is too stubborn for that. It's time for black magic, ex-Chosen Ones, and alcohol. "I HATE Your Prophecy": a new Dark Lord book by Amazon bestseller Jeff Mach. amazon.com/gp/product/B08BLH…

I eat my peas with honey I’ve done it all my life. It may taste kind of funny, But it keeps them on the knife.

Speak your truth, whisper your lies.

Save the liver!

If you’re a human, raise a tentacle. 

Don’t eat anything smaller than your head.

What’s the worst thing that could happen to an Elf?

Grape nut cereal contains neither grapes nor nuts. If you don’t know this already, you probably should.

PLEASE REPST: TIKETANDY STOLE $13000 AND IS THRATENING TODY'S BITAL SHOW OEUT OF BUSIESS. @threelinestudio @DungeonNoir I will not be able to feed my famiy. I got perits months ago. Please,please...ask for help.

Never mind, I almost fell for a fraud. @ticketscadny e stolen a bunch of money and we can't deal with them unti they get their crap taogether.

Today, you will experience a thousand victories, each of which is so small you don't notice any of them.

Oompa Looma Doompitu Do We've Got Some Mind Control Prison For You."

As Dracula's last words were, "Today is gonna be a great day!"

"I don't wanna hurtcha, Betsy. I just wanna feed you sugar all night." - Jack Torrence, "The Shining Dentist Bil"

I don’t read Jeff Mach because he is interesting. I read him in the hope that he will make everything else seem interesting in comparison.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel deeper relieved.

What if, what a problem comes along, you are not in fact required to whip it?

I do not live in a mine. I don't seek friends upon whom to dine. I haven't pickled my brain in brine. But I have a certain problem with wine: jeffmachwrites.com/etiquette…

I bet you knew this in your heart of hearts. Why DO so many Witches become Evil? I'm a Witch AND I'm Evil; I should know. jeffmachwrites.com/some-reas…