dasmegabyte

my hope is that somebody someday fucks you as thoroughly as this Cadillac dealer fucked my dad

Crate & Barrel is like IKEA if you don’t hate yourself

The best thing about legal weed is that I can finally recycle the containers from the weed I smuggled in years ago.

Always remember: it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world -- EXCEPT for Lola

Who’s the best Starfleet captain: Jelico or Lorca?

"Szechuan peppercorns – if you cannot find some, use black or red peppercorns" no

The instant somebody says "wellness," I know that they are full of shit.

more like bored of the rings am i rite

bright moments like some local shithead announced her Reiki business on the town Facebook and I can't even make fun of her because it's considered petty to call out liars in public

bright moments like two young women loudly discussing their mental health challenges on the quiet train while I am trying to meditate

my god, Morrissey has been waiting 36 years for this day

heloo i havr stolen my fathers phone (not really he gave it to me lol) no w j an making a tweet on twitter dot com miku >>>>>>>> you (miku solos 🥱) Amogus 🤨🤨🤨

Just two, Paul? Just two?

I love that Adam Driver went straight from portraying a 20 something space fascist to portraying 45 year old relatable dads.

I can never remember which "E" to leave out when spelling "jwlry" so I just leave them all out.

As soon as I detect auto-tune in a song, it turns me off for good to that song, and generally that artist. My detection algorithm? Well, if a voice sounds as pure as Willie Nelson's, and it's not Willie Nelson, it's almost certainly auto-tune. No thanks.

I have a friend who doesn't do social media but he recently married somebody who does. She posts a photo of him every day and he always looks incredibly uncomfortable. I'm here for it. It's like a cup of coffee.