Me: you know it’s actually lucky if a bird poops on you Wife: it’s only happened to me once Me: that’s how you met me 😏 Wife: actually I think it was around the time I met you #post

Wife: *sniffs* ew you smell Me: huh??? I just showered! Wife: exactly you smell like soap and not yourself

When drivers signal after they merge #petpeeve

Me: *grabs belly* my love handle Wife: that’s not a love handle it’s a muffin shelf Me: it’s a love handle because I’m handling it with love

People who park blocking driveways to entire buildings and only move after being honked at multiple times deserve their own place in hell

Dear inconsiderate drivers that don’t let me merge into a lane I’m coming into…why??? I’m just going to end up passing you to merge because I have no other choice which is worse for you…

Why did a car honk me from behind, pass me going straight as I was turning right, then merge behind me as I passed them???

“Parents detect fake friends. Kids detect fake relatives. Friends detect fake love.”

PSA if I can only see your eyes in my rearview mirror, you better adjust your seat or you prob shouldn’t be driving 🤔

Me: should I be a stripper as my night job Bae: no. you don’t get enough sleep as is

You know your wife is British when she says thank you to Alexa after a command @ItIsReallyMe98

I love that JetBlue informs me of delays but also when we take off and land … I’m on the plane though 🤔 lol

I love when I’m going through pictures of my wife and I on vacation and I find random ones of me that she took through some bushes like it’s nice to know your spouse is a creep

How many of y’all use the map for the live traffic and cameras, not the actual GPS?

For my friends with keyless entry… has it ever dawned on you that you’ve never used your car keys…🤯

There’s a special place in hell for people who take the wrong lane on purpose to skip people to get back into the same lane they started in

People who don’t walk and just stand on the passing side of the escalator… what the hell is the matter with you

What I don’t miss after the mask mandate was lifted is smelling bad breath 🤢 #canyounot

Me: it’s so funny that the queer season of ultimatum is all women you would think they’re all quick to marry and settle down Bae: if it was all gay men nobody would be there

PSA to everyone who knocks on the doors of locked bathrooms: now I’m going to take extra long because you’re rude and can’t wait