@discomfrtble

“The Shame Guy” • I wrote a book about shame called Discomfortable and host a podcast of the same name. Shame Ed is the new Sex Ed!

 Toronto, Ontario
discomfortable.net/book
Joined February 2018
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I’m hosting another 4-week online shame course on Mondays in November, from 1 to 3 pm eastern time. We’ll be focussing on toxic shame, what it is, where it comes from, and how to begin shifting the power that it wields in your favour. Check it out: eventbrite.ca/e/getting-disc…

Getting Discomfortable with Shame - 4-week online course!

A 4-week online course exploring shame—our "master emotion".

eventbrite.ca
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ok just hear me out… a muppet remake of mama mia 🙏
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When was the last time you developed a crush on a fictional character and who was it? Related: when you find yourself crushing on someone in a movie, do you interpret it as an infatuation with the character or the actor??
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Toronto! I’m starting an event incubator to make our city more fun! Offering support (venues, promo, microgrants) for people who want to create fun, weird, participatory events. Come do an event! docs.google.com/document/d/1…

Toronto Event Generator: Help Make Toronto More Fun!

[This is an old document! FInd More up-to-date stuff on the Toronto Event Generator Substack] [scroll down if you want to read the maybe-still-interesting old stuff] TORONTO EVENT GENERATOR Created...

docs.google.com
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One of my favourite authors, Ursula K. Le Guin, essentially illustrating Game A and Game B nearly 40 years ago: otherfutures.nl/uploads/docu…
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Is there such a thing as a self-directed monastery?
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I’m fantasizing about a kind of co-living community where everyone is focussing on their own spiritual journey, but sharing insights, cross-pollinating with no requirement to agree, minimum viable structures, varieties of elective group practices. The sangha is the guru ;)
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I’m convinced that yawning is all about emotion. It seems to be a sublimation and shift or reset of emotional energy into a more neutral state. And the fact that it’s contagious is fascinating, an overt display of the unconscious power of our mirror neurons’ empathic response.
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Grasping, longing, addictive urges are pleasure in emotional escrow. Experientially, it’s the sensation of feeling both pleasure and pain at once. You can already taste the reward, but the simultaneous pain says, you can’t actually enjoy it until you achieve x, y, or z!
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“Humiliation always lies immediately beneath the surface of deceit.” - Donald Nathanson, Shame and Pride
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There are powerful young parts of me that think they need validation from others to be worthy, lovable, and happy. I used to try to convince them that they don’t need external validation. But then I realized I have to prove my point by giving them that validation myself.
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Part of healing toxic shame is learning to tell better stories to yourself about yourself.
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Shame fuels concepts of status and hierarchy. Two of the classic reactions to shame are narcissism and people pleasing. I notice in my own system, and with friends and clients, that there seems to be a pattern:
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When I interpret someone as higher status, I tend to go into people pleasing around them. When I interpret someone as lower status, I tend to go into narcissism around them. And when I interpret someone as equal in status, I tend to get competitive with them.
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“This emotion of remorse may in fact be an important part of healing. And it differs from guilt. Less rigid and constricted, softer and more compassionate, remorse actually has its own kind of beauty.
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Significantly, it recognizes and is more concerned with the skill and beneficence of *actions*, rather than making conclusions about *selves*.
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And rather than being caught in obsession about the past, it looks to the future with a sense of possibility and of heartfelt aspiration to choose differently next time.” - Rob Burbea, Seeing That Frees
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Chronic shame is a constant jumping out of one’s own life.
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James Baldwin observed, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. They must, they have no other models.”
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"When children have shame-based parents, they identify with them. This is the first step in the child’s internalizing shame because the children carry their parent’s shame." - John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds You
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Because shame is a self-conscious emotion, we think that it’s just about us. Because shame inclines us to hide it, we think it’s our secret. We feel like we are the victim of our shame, but that isn’t the full story. Everyone under our influence is victim to our shame as well.
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