David Rodriguez

Do u even lift others up, bro?

Excited for a Kendrick / Elon Finals unless Trump can pull out a miracle comeback here

Lady Gaga implies the existence of The Tramp Gaga

This is the EXACT vibe of a new comic trying crowdwork at an open mic

Damn if only there had been an even gooder guy with a gun

These reporters are talking to Biden like you talk to your hammered friends about to drive home from the bar “Hey buddy are you sure you’re good??”

Donated a lot of blood today to those little bibs at the dentist

I don’t care who wins I just hope both Kendrick and Drake have a good time

Sounds like cancer needs to hire Johnny Cochran

*Me accidentally waking up at 6:56am before my 7:00am alarm* “Ok if I can fall asleep in one minute, I can sleep for 3 more minutes”

Seeing a lot of jokes about Mitch McConnell on here and I’d just like to remind everyone to have some respect because he’s still a human being who is going to die soon hopefully

Everything reminds me of her 😔😔😔

Pharmacy Pro-Tip: When picking up a pain medication prescription for a family member and they ask if you have any questions, one question to NOT ask is “Can you supersize it for a dollar?”

Can’t believe Brittney Griner is leaving the Russian prison and taking a paycut to return to the WNBA

My absolute entire suggested Twitter feed is Olivia Wilde and I’m not sure what I have ever said or done to deserve this

“Take my wives, please!” —Henny Brigham Youngman

Netflix is optioning the rights to the Queens Funeral for “The Great British Wake Off”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, so I’m gonna find that out and then message it to them directly

Gonna sue my own business for unsafe work conditions 😎😎😎