Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.

Sometimes you just have to erase the messages, delete the numbers, and move on.

Listening to music too loud CAN make you go deaf.

You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks. Your jokes are funnier and your dick is bigger.

It doesn’t matter how many pairs of flats you purchase, he will never get any taller.

Never drive yourself to the airport when your flight is over two hours. Odds are, you'll be getting off the return flight smashed.

People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.

Do not cyber stalk the shit out of the other person before going on a date — getting to know the other person is the point of the date.

Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.

Two people I know who broke up years ago are on separate romantic vacations with their partners IN THE SAME TOWN, I'm just sitting here watching it unfold on IG, where they have each other blocked. This is the most riveting thing I've seen in forever, I'm cancelling all my plans.

We’ve defined them, they haven’t defined us. #Millennials

If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.

Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.

After some soul searching (buying stuff I don't need) I have found that everything will be ok.

Don’t argue about a tab. If you’re arguing, it’s probably because it’s over a material amount of money. And that means you’re probably not sober enough to argue.

I'm trying to cut down on my fucking swearing. Let see how the fuck that goes.

You can have your own opinions, but you can’t have your own facts.

Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.

If you want to buy a woman a drink, ask her permission. If the bartender has to say, “This is from the guy who didn’t have the balls to approach you,” you’ve got no chance.

Nobody really cares if you don't go to the party.