fundy

Did you know they give you your gallstones in a cup when you get your gallbladder taken out? Neither did I. But the first thing I saw when I woke up was my husband holding that cup up and grinning from ear to ear, “BRUH, LOOK AT YOUR STONES!”

Checking in for surgery and the nurse said, “Don’t bring your phone unless you’re ok leaving it with your husband.” I said, “We are both divorce lawyers so if there was something I didn’t want him to see it would be on another phone under lock and key, but thanks for looking out for your girl!” She laughed and said, “You wouldn’t believe how many patients wake up from anesthesia to a pissed off partner!” Trust me, I do.

My husband made me go to the hospital yesterday bc I was doubled over in pain and he said that “wasn’t normal” and I told him not everyone makes a big deal about the slightest inconvenience and turns out, I have gall stones and have to have surgery and this is EXACTLY why I wanted to stay home.

Update: 1) I cannot believe I misspelled bass. 2) Husband bought earplugs from gift shop. (They were zero help.) 3) I put my headphones on and that was manageable but I had to lay on my back like sleeping in a coffin and I’m a side sleeper, so miserable. 4) Music stopped at 5am. 5) Slept 3 hrs 11 mins per my Oura ring. 6) Leaving for the festivities in less than an hour. 7) I called and begged to be moved to another room and they said, “We are completely booked for the next 2 days.” I cannot stop laughing I am delirious.

We are in Miami for the F1 race and were upgraded to an incredible hotel suite. We decided to turn in early because tomorrow is a long day. You guys, our free upgraded room overlooks the outdoor nightclub. Our room is the loudest place on earth right now. The thumping base is literally shaking the windows. We called front desk to ask when the music ends (yes, we are that old.) They said tonight’s show doesn’t start for another hour.

I received an email through my website’s contact form from a teenager that said: “I found your wallet.” Attached was a photo of my Prada wallet with my driver’s license, debit card, and credit cards inside. She wrote, “Please call me so I can get it back to you.” The crazy part? I didn’t even know it was lost. She had found it in the parking lot of a strip mall where I get my nails done. When I called her, she said she’d been worried for hours because she knew that when I realized it was gone I would be “frantic.” I then spoke to her mom, who sent me their address. I drove about 30 minutes to their house to get it. When I got there I was so overwhelmed by her kindness that I cried. Her mom was standing on the front porch beaming and said, “I’m doing my best to teach my kids that doing the right thing matters.” I handed her a $100 bill. She smiled huge and thanked me. I told her the only person who deserved thanks was her. I mentioned the wallet was designer because a lot of 16-year-olds would have kept it. It was expensive. She didn’t. A lot of people would have used the credit cards inside. She didn’t. Instead, she spent hours worried about how I would feel when I realized it was gone. Friends, please know that good and honest humans absolutely exist. And when you’re faced with a decision, ask yourself, “What would I hope a stranger would do if the situation were reversed?”

My husband went to the liquor store and when he came back he promptly poured me a glass of a new wine I’ve never had. I said, “This is delicious. Did you get more than one bottle?” Husband, with the most serious voice ever, “I got 4.” That should do it.

I texted my husband at 10am that I received bad news about my father’s health and within 15 mins he was at my office, had already called my assistant to clear my calendar (before I could even walk to her office) and put me in the car to go to the hospital. He sat with me for 8 hours in an uncomfortable chair, he lost his entire work day including a court appearance, made sure my mom and I stayed hydrated (important), asked questions to doctors that I couldn’t think of, and never once complained. I am sure there are millions of partners who have done the same in a loved one’s time of need but in my line of work it is easy to forget what love truly looks like. If they want to they will.

I crafted a beautiful parlay that would have paid over 9k if hit. My husband looked it over and said, “That bet on Arch Manning as first to score TD is too risky. I would change that.” So I switched to Germie Bernard for 67+ yds. Arch scored the 1st TD. Germie got 62 yds.

My 79 year old mother just casually told me she got kicked out of an Applebee’s last Wednesday and I cannot ask enough questions fast enough.

My husband took me to the Ritz Carlton, trying to romance me. Bought me a bottle of champagne and two drinks in he’s trying to geographically explain Eastern Europe to me and I just don’t think he understands how this works.

My children are 26, 23, 21, and 15. I also have 3 bonus kids 27, 24, and 23. No less than twice a day, every single day, I receive a loving text from at least one of them that reads something like this:

Discussing the end of TikTok and I explained about the possibility of Mr. Wonderful and maybe Mr. Beast saving it and my husband looked at me with utter confusion and said, “I would ask who those people are but honestly I don’t have the energy or desire to listen to the answer.”

I have a dinner date with my best girlfriend tonight and my husband said, “Are you sure I can’t come? I won’t talk too much.” And oh my god I don’t deserve him.

My husband took me to a nice hotel for my bday and I forgot my fan so he DoorDash’d one. However, the tiny one he bought was sold out and they replaced it with the biggest fan I’ve ever seen. The amount of fanshame my husband had walking out of the hotel with a 4 ft tall fan this morning was hysterical.

My husband and I are going to a fancy restaurant. Husband, “Have you foreplayed the menu?” Me, “I beg your pardon?” Husband, “Have you googled the menu?” I don’t know if he read that somewhere or what but it will forever be known to me as “foreplaying” the menu.

My husband asked if we were pregaming my parent’s Christmas party tonight. I held up my 40 oz Stanley cup I’ve been drinking out of since 3:00, “Do you think this is water?”

My husband is in charge of the attorney bar party this year and I forgot to RSVP because I had a LOT going on and also it’s a given I will be there since he is in charge. How about this man asks me, “What are your plans for tomorrow since you aren’t going to the bar party?”