Have y’all had that nightmare where entrance exam to Gan Eden is giving 1 example of each of the 13 middot shehatorah nidreshet bahem?
Or is it just me?
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Sean Payton throws a red flag that leaves his hand before the next snap, but doesn’t hit the field until after the next snap, and a billion NFL fans suddenly turn into R’ Chaim Soloveitchik.
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OUT: Shacharit is starting ten minutes earlier than usual for Rosh Chodesh.
IN: I just want your extra time and your Kislev.
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RABBI: The blessing “may your children inherit the gates of their enemies” means they should be safe; it isn’t literal.
SHIMSHON: (carrying gates of Gaza) So… you want I should put these back?
We live in a timeline where a scientist can say “humans and dinosaurs did not coexist” and an Evangelical will go “yes they did” and a Chabadnik will say “I agree with the scientist” and I will say “I agree with the evangelical” and none of us are talking about the same thing.
JEWISH PRIVILEGE:
What people think it is: “So we use the banks to buy more space lasers and have the media cover it up.”
What it actually is: “Sholom Aleichem! I know you’re new in town and don’t know anyone yet but I wanted to invite you for Shabbat.”
SYNAGOGUES: Chayei Sarah singles event!
SINGLES: So you’re having an event where the groom’s father’s slave negotiates with the bride’s family, the bride completely upends her life, and the groom just shows up at the end to move them into his dead mother’s apartment?
CHRISTIANS: God abrogated the Covenant at Sinai.
MUSLIMS: God abrogated the Covenant at Sinai.
JEWS:
MILLENNIALS: Bible characters are so unrelatable.
AVRAHAM: I had to save up for 137 years before I could afford to buy my own place. I had to pay waaay over market. In cash. For literally a cave.
FUN FACT:
The mitzva to donate First Wool (ראשית הגז) only applies when shearing sheep, not ducks or geese.
There is no mitzva to give away First Downs.
Unless you’re the Dallas Cowboys, apparently…
My son filled out an online application to a Brisker yeshiva and instead of a CAPTCHA they had this:
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Why is it called “a pareve calf made using Sefer HaYetzira”, and not “I can’t believe it’s not בָּקָר”.
