Cops are legally required to tell you what their favourite movie is, otherwise it's Entrapment (1999)

"You're always a bit less cautious with your second kid" *baby wanders by holding a lit stick of dynamite* "Throw it honey"

Ah, Halloween! The one day of the year when cops are small and easy to beat up

[Butthead with tears in his eyes, watching Beavis getting married]: Settle down, Beavis

Please stop calling me a basic bitch. I’m an advanced 2nd edition bitch

Look, Simba. Everything the light touches. I've rubbed my ass all over it. Everywhere the light is, my ass has also been there Simba. My ass

Hey anti-vaxxers, get this: measles

Ah, fruit. Nature's candy. *tries to blow a bubble and spits apple chunks everywhere* Inferior

I was reading a manga where a guy has sex with the girls volleyball team and it reminded me of high school. I read manga then as well

Baby crying too much? Try this simple trick: wrap it tightly in a blanket and put it in a spaceship to another world

I'm back from the Time Travel mission, boss. We kissed Hitler *squints* Oh shit, I need new glasses

My revenge will be swift and terrible! It'll happen quickly and be very ineffective. Just awful revenge. You might not even notice

Hi, I'm your son's teacher, Ms. Frizzle. Funny story, your kid is dead and inside a tortoise

What is love? It's when you ask a baby not to hurt you

While trying to understand love I was attacked by a baby. I wrote a song about it

What is love? One man's version of love is not being hurt by a baby

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT...UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS "HITLER"