Just stared at two timers on my phone counting down simultaneously but not in sync and I thought maybe Adam Scott would walk in the room.
McDonald’s needs to have a mobile app code window. Ezpass lane. TSA precheck lane. Scan my face know my order let’s go
Person who asks the McDonald’s employee what their favorite menu item is and then talks about it for 5 min is in front of me rn. It’s gotta be her first time here.
4yo: look mom this chip looks like a “c”
Me: yea it does. What word starts with “c” /k/ /k/
4yo: cock!
Me: well yea….true…
Cheating strategy: only call guys “daddy” in bed so you never use the wrong name in the heat of passion.
The next Brecksville Mayor is an easy choice for me. It’s the teenage girl who complimented my hair without provocation. 💁🏻♀️
So like when an abusive bf buys you flowers days after beating the shit out of you. Cool cool cool cool cool.
Last night was my 20yr HS reunion. My friend Lauren couldn’t go, she’s in Napa. My friend Sheena couldn’t go, she’s in Barcelona. I didn’t go because I was in Munich….well….ockotberfest…in parma. I was in parma and I could have gone. But fuck em.
How’s allergy season for you?
I’m doing great. Just told the pizza shop employee that I want to rub my eye until my eyeball falls out and doesn’t itch anymore.
So great.
Happy international womans day to the little girl who wakes up with blood in her underwear for the first time. Buckle up kid, it only gets worse. #womensrights #InternationalWomansDay
Me, taking a glance at all the things that need put away: “it’s cool I’ll get it tomorrow, I’m a morning person now”
My 3yr old throughout the night: “the fuck you are”
An obvious tell of my cooking prowess is me touching the intended microwave button in complete darkness.
Decided to take my daughter’s 5-yr photos on Thursday. Do you think I have time to teach her to smize by then?
Just had a flashback to being in my early 20s having frequent MJ dance battles at the @zephyrpub #noregrets