daniel

The Steve Harveys would be a good 90s throwback ska band name.

I’m uncomfortable with how similar the words “stimulate” and “simulate” are.

Rewatching the American Ninja movies. Good stuff. On a side note, I had completely forgotten how bad the ninja problem was in the 80s. Nearly every office building was crawling with masked ninjas. #80s

Sometimes it’s like my whole life is just made up of breaks between Whose Line episodes.

These days, when people do something absurd, I just assume they're doing it for the same reason anyone does anything: to get #bitcoin

@Noetic_Hatter What makes you think I'm not?

@Noetic_Hatter Oh, did she start eating food again? I hear that's great for the complexion.

[generic but vaguely empowering comment about myself and others like me]

I'm using this tweet for my own purposes. I have no intentions of ever calling it back tomorrow. I've pretty much already forgotten it.

What if you're not the hero of the story, after all?

It's hard to take you seriously since you started including smiley faces and emojis in your business messages. Use your big boy words.

If these tweets I'm reading are anything to go by, y'all are some weird ass humans.

It's like you're not even allowed to leer at children in the park while humming Prince songs anymore.

Jesus, sometimes this Twitter place is depressing. What could possibly be so wrong with all of your lives?

Whatever else happens, I'm just glad people have stopped doing that thing where they make a heart shape with their hands.

So if, after the wedding, it turns out she likes Phil Collins, do I get a refund or something?

Wait, crying on the first date is out, now?

Mormons are pretty much the Canada of religions.

I'm certain that somewhere off in the distance, wherever I go, someone is looking at me and thinking "I wish I was as cool as that dude."

Writing clickbait articles for mega-blogs is pretty much trolling for profit.