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in the throes of hell

Bulgaria
Joined March 2025
i will never get to live a mundane life with a cute girl because i wont ever be loved by one. im doomed to a life of loneliness, despair and anguish. im not even allowed to enjoy the freedoms nor pleasures of solitary life. i'll be stuck like this until i die.
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the world doesnt want me participating in it. it'll stomp me down, and then when i reach out for help, it'll convince me to run around in circles again and again, all just to drive me insane. there's only one escape.
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so miserable it physically hurts
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im not allowed to be okay
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i cant take it anymore. everyone makes everything into such a nightmare. i cant.
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i really wish i had ended it when i was stuck in the mindset for it
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it literally will never get better. any tiny improvement is immediately and overwhelmingly outweighed by everything bad. it has been getting worse for my entire life and it will only get worse as time goes on. im kept here for nothing other than to be tortured. why?
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every single time i have even one singular tiny thing in my life which im content with, someone or something HAS to swoop in and ruin it
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>barely manage to force myself to do something >struggle every single step of the way >somehow manage to finish it >"you need to put in more effort" mfw my life is fucking meaningless and i deserve nothing
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life's ability to back you into a corner and make you feel like the only way forward is to end it is horrifying
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i had a crisis at university today. i kept thinking about doing it because i was convinced that it was the only way. im failing uni badly but my parents wont let me drop out and i dont have money for therapy/psychologist appointments to treat my problems.
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as much as some people try to help or comfort me, it feels like life itself is merciless and cruel, and it'll never stop being this way.
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i need it to end so badly
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everything is a joke and life is a humiliation ritual.
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everything tells me that i shouldnt have been born. there's no place in the world for me and it makes it awfully clear to me every second that im alive.
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everything would be so much easier for everyone. nobody needs me nor wants me. i dont want to be here either. its not humane to keep me here.
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i keep being pushed in every single direction but never given the option to go in the one i choose to. never even given a way out. i need it to stop so badly.
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i feel like im stuck between the cogs of the world, being ground up into mush because everyone else wants me to be. there's never an escape.
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nothing ever gets better
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