expert parallel parker
Joined March 2009
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Suburbia. Where every other house on the block has a llama print in the bathroom and a unicorn mug in the cupboard.
10y: Mom, watch me do the splits! 🤸♀️
Me: Not until you stop saying “the splits!”
#itsasplitnotthesplits
PTO moms out in full force this morning! It’s like 6th grade again, only with better handbags and Botox. 💅🏻
‘Mom, I have four kinds of farts. Sad, happy, angry and nervous. The one you just smelled was a nervous fart.’ #backtoschooljitters
The mom at the pool eye-rolling and giving slow claps while muttering “great job, you look like a Ninja” followed by an unenthusiastic “whoo-hoo” as her twin sons repeatedly jump off the diving board is all of us - only her pain is doubled. #endofsummer #goingoutwithasplash 💦
Psychopath dad sitting next to me at the town pool furiously digging into his Italian Ice 🍋 with a wooden spoon - scraping, spearing, crushing. It’s terrifying and mesmerizing. #alphaeater
Gave the 10yo a crate of my old CDs. She took them down to the local record shop and traded the stash in for vinyl. 🎶🤓😆
How’s the 1-Inch Slant D 3-Ring View Binder, 5 Big Tab Two-Tone 2 Pocket Plastic Divider shopping going!! 🚌 📚 🍎
MAJOR CRISIS at the local farm stand! Should I try to hold onto summer and buy corn on the cob 🌽 and sunflowers 🌻 or dive right into decorative gourd season 🎃 and go for the stalks 🌾 and mums?! #nofo #endofsummer
Household Battles Summer '18
Unsalted vs Salted Butter
A/C 68°f vs 72°f
Bottled Water vs Reverse Osmosis Filtered Tap
Spray Deodorant vs Stick
Everybody walks around with a full set of baby teeth jingling around at the bottom of their purse, right? #gagtasticfinds #toothfairyfail
There’s no such thing as one round of monopoly - it’s a prison sentence! 5 days later and the board is still on the table with no end in sight. #summerfun #shootmedead
On the 592nd fold she couldn’t turn the teeny-tiny piece of origami paper into a cute little fox. She threw her arthritic hands in the air and declared, “Quiet summer mommy & me craft time is over! Go outside... facebook.com/266627843455949…
Life's too short - remove the wax protector from the candle you've been saving since 1992 and burn that motherfucker!
The hearse driver got lost on the way to the cemetery at my grandfather’s funeral. The processional followed him down a dead end street where he proceeded to pull into the driveway of Joey Bag o' Donuts who was... facebook.com/266627843455949…
To the subhuman who didn’t return their shopping cart 🛒 and dented my new car on its first run to the grocery - karma is a motherfucker and it’s coming for you!
This is where we stop setting the alarm and roll in late to school. T-Minus 7 Days. #isitoveryet 📚🚌🍎