That Girl's Tweets

Maybe the person you think you're successfully avoiding, is actually successfully avoiding you.

Accidentally bought waterproof mascara so I have to get the one coat I applied surgically removed.

6 weeks after the last rain or 1 day before the next rain. ~ my car washing schedule

I'll admit it, I've said "fuck you Google" more than once.

So busy at work I just barely fit in my 12 trips to the break room today.

Lady Doritos is my safe word.

Everything in life, good or bad, has a cost. You just have to decide if you're willing to pay it.

When I say I'm married to my job, it's not because I work a lot of hours, it's because I make everyone miserable and will be here till I die.

Autocorrect changed "super bowl" to "superb owl" and I'm hoping that's really a thing. When is the superb owl of 2018 being revealed?

I see your new account with the same old shit tweets.

You know you're getting old, when you can recount the discovery of a wrinkle the way you used to talk about the birth of a child.

Do you ever get the sense that you're utterly and completely wrong? I didn't think so.

Social media has ruined all of us, you know that right? Carry on then.

Life has taught me some hard lessons about dangerous toe to bed frame proximity.

Which of the seven deadly sins covers when someone sends you a text, you reply immediately, and they take hours to respond? WHICH ONE.

I wish I could convey in layman's terms, how excited I am to eat lunch every day.

What are we teaching our kids with this fancy candy marijuana? Back in my day, we learned responsibility by pulling out the seeds and stems and rolling a joint correctly.

If you think I was sincere when I said "have fun without me", you don't know me at all.

I find comfort knowing that most of you will just nod knowingly when I say I'm haunted by a cheesecake that lives in my fridge.

Your tweets about not needing validation are clearly a request for validation.