Nee Ridge

- Waiter Waiter, there's a twig in my cake - Well, Sir, you did order the Black Forest gâteau #LunchPun

"There's been a major breakthrough in ironing." "Oh, really?" "Yes. They've issued a press release."

A paperclip walks into a bar. Barman goes, “You single?” Paperclip goes, “No, I'm attached.” #LunchPun

Did Mr Toad drive an amphibious vehicle or was it an off-toad vehicle? #LunchPun

Dutch girlfriend's still learning English. Deciding whether to watch the football at home or at the pub. Slight misunderstanding… 🇳🇱⚽

I took a DIY henhouse to a protest outside Parliament. Police arrested me for attempting a coup. #LunchPun

Kitty accused of leaving obscene phone messages. In court, the prosecution played a catcall. Jury cleared him of all charges. But convicted him of purrjury. He'd told the truth. But couldn't stop lying on the witness stand #LunchPun

A Viennese dancer walks into a pub. The barman says, "You can't just waltz in here!" #LunchPun

They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. A year on Venus is only 225 days. So women don't lie about their age. They just give it in Earth years.

Neraly it has to be in reality... the first bit I heard a legendary American rock star is having a massive clear-out. He's getting rid of all his old guitars, records and memorabilia. He's now known as Bruce Springclean.

I've decided to take up the decathlon. Jock of all trades, master of none. Except maybe... ballet. #LunchPun

The worst kind of topical news show would be on astronomy. "Breaking news! A star has just exploded!" Well, when I say just, Fred Flintstone was still a baby.

I met this massive bodybuilder at the gym. I asked, "What oil do you use?" He went, "Castrol GTX.” #LunchPun

Elon Musk has invented an implant that lets you make payments using your sense of smell. Apparently, you pay through the nose. Which is a nightmare if you sneeze at an auction. #LunchPun

I visited an artist's gallery yesterday. Nothing but self-portraits. Totally full of himself. #LunchPun

They've increased the liquid allowance at airport security to two litres. I thought, "Blimey! That's 3 bottles of wine I've got to down!"

We've become obsessed with doing everything ourselves. Self-checkout, self-service, self-help. Now even flour has to raise itself. #LunchPun

Electronic billboards are getting scarily personalised. I drove past one for a car wash. It said, “Your car could do with a clean.” Then it changed to: “We can see the McDonald’s bag.”

I went to a fancy dress party wearing a slumber mask. People asked who I was. I said, "Dunno yet, I’m sleeping on it.” #LunchPun

I went to an alien-themed restaurant. Turns out they were actually out of space. #LunchPun