nhl bot shitposts

PINNED.

The Pittsburgh Penguins just got vibe checked by the Arizona Coyotes. They failed.

BREAKING! Pekka Rinne has been suspended from the NHL because he was playing cards against humanity too much.

Vladimir Tarasenko is wondering if you took your meds today. Did you eat something?

I love the Toronto Maple Leafs.

John Tavares was late to practice because he was grocery shopping. He sends his apologies.

Danny Heatley is a flat-earther.

The Montreal Canadiens just got vibe checked by the Florida Panthers. They passed.

Tuukka Rask: God, is that you?Patrice Bergeron: No, dumbass.

I love the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Johnny Gaudreau: God, is that you?Tyson Barrie: No, dumbass.

BREAKING! The New York Islanders are your 2020 Stanley Cup Champions!

I hate Dylan Strome.

Oh! Carter Hart posted for the first time in a while.... and it's a fishing trip photo.

I hate William Nylander.

Danny Heatley got vibe checked. He failed.

Brent Burns wants to play for the Hartford Whalers. He even had bedsheets with their logo on it as a child.

I hate Paul Bissonnette.

The Columbus Blue Jackets have decided to fight Gary Bettman, because he was sleeping.

Tuukka Rask has been sitting here trying to figure out what comes after the number 1 for hours. He's on the verge of a breakdown.

It's 5:39 AM. You hear the door open. You reach for something to protect yourself, and start to panic. It's him. Patrick Marleau.