I bet HBO told Nathan Fielder that they wanted a pilot out of him, and his Amelia Bedelia ass was like alright

“This is my body, and this my blood, and this is Malört” -Leo XIV

I used to constantly have those showing-up-naked-to-the-final-exam dreams, and that’s exactly why I won’t do any hardcore drugs. I’ve seen what happens when my brain takes the reins and it is not fun!

I signed up for CrossFit and accidentally got the trainer meant for postpartum women. So we do a warmup squat and he’s now talking about healing my pelvic floor, and I’m like okay that squat ruined me I guess

Upset that Khloe Kardashian went into popcorn and not web hosting … imagine uploading thirst traps to the Khloud

It sucks that all these football players have to go to war :/

I have a new favorite of the unhinged recipes that are on the subway: the Sweet Potato Waffle. Like what New Yorker has a waffle iron in their apartment?!

Celebrating Palm Sunday by posting the “Hosanna in the Highest 🚬” a week earlier than the 4/20 Easter crowd

When TurboTax asks “Are you disabled?” it seems like it’s insulting me based on how I’ve been answering

*me justifying having another beer* I’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, I know the only way to defeat the Nazis is to be a hot, dark-haired woman who can outdrink any man

Adding an Atlantic editor to my groupchat because honey, I’m bombing!

I have killer tits 👙 (breast cancer runs in my family)

Sheetz is currently advertising their “handmade drinks!” Call me crazy, but I’m actually fine with my beverage not being made by hands that work at a gas station

Hell yeah I’m splitting the G

Open mic’rs love to be like “haha you know how we all hate this and wish we were dead, right?” Like honey, a group of white men are going to let me speak for 4 uninterrupted minutes. My life rules! 😎

We should’ve all seen this coming: Milchik is going to engage in some antidisestablishmentarianism

Severance has helped me understand the whole “three persons one god” thing way better than a decade of Catholic school did

Been in NY for a year! Still can’t even take a stab at pronouncing Kosciuszko 🏙️💕

I thought I was being followed on the subway when the same man was in the same car as me after a transfer. My first thought? “Oh thank God, I really need more people at this comedy show”

Kim Crawford? More like Kim Possible the way this Sauvy B’s got me asking “What’s the sitch?”