I'm so tired. I have a right to be angry. I'm fucked up that any of my work about emotions, even if it's painted in oil and I've spent 60+ hours, will collect much less if I'm not a conveyor and if I'm not drawing flat fetishized porn that doesn't suit my view of the character. I do not know why I keep trying to tell a story through my ideas, symbolism and metaphors if I can draw fetishes that contradict my principles. I'm so tired that the feelings I've been sharing for 3 years are not relevant, that I'm not trying hard enough to make people like me. I literally started learning a lot of new things in order to show people how I feel, but it's never enough. I automatically go fuck myself because I have to use VPN so that fucking algorithms would send me to a shadow ban for the fact that I can't use this fucking social network any other way. And the coolest thing is that when I showed sadness about my work, there were people who deliberately wrote to me insulting what a fucking artist I am. I've been on the verge of doing something bad to myself for 3 years now because my mother ruined my life. I have a burden that has burned me to the bone and it's physically hard for me to work. All I want is to be loved, but every time I don't do enough, I find myself to blame for everything. I have Borderline personality disorder and I'm tired of trying to adapt to people who are fucking messing with how I feel or that I'm making up my disorders. I deserve more than being shunned and then being accused of just whining, even though I'm always open to listening to other people. I had to learn to be selfish because I have no personal boundaries and I sacrifice myself so that others don't get mad at me, even if it hurts me and I don't think it's my fault. I know that no one owes me anything and is not obligated to love me or my work. But this is how I see the reality I live in because my psyche has been messed up. Either I have to be perfect or I'm trash. This setup was hammered into my head and unfortunately I broke down.

13/10/2026 | Swan Lake #無期迷途 #PathtoNowhere #ptnoc