just flew into nyc from sf hosting a exclusive dinner for startup founders who have taste it's going to be an intimate gathering at none other than La Pecora Bianca like i said, we've got taste

our head of finance flagged an unusual expense this morning apparently I've spent $19,000 on Poop 2 Fart merchandise hoodies hats water bottles custom toilet paper he asked why we need branded toilet paper when we haven't launched the product I explained category creation requires physical touchpoints he said we have six employees I said exactly six potential brand ambassadors he asked why I ordered 40,000 rolls bulk pricing he showed me the invoice and asked where we'd store everything I said our current office has plenty of unused corners he said the shipment already fills the entire storage room I suggested stacking rolls in the conference room he reminded me that's where we meet investors I said even better told him to stop thinking of it as inventory it's a distribution network waiting to happen made branded toilet paper mandatory in every company bathroom our cost per wipe is now $4.80 premium positioning

Sunday dinner with my family got weird my dad asked how Poop 2 Fart was doing told him we're entering a massive growth phase he asked how many customers we have customer count is a vanity metric he asked if we're profitable profitability is a choice he asked when I'd start making money I reminded him Amazon wasn't profitable for years he said Amazon delivered packages I said that's an incredibly narrow definition of innovation he started cutting his steak instead of responding I pulled up a chart showing projected market dominance he asked why the chart had no numbers on the vertical axis I told him numbers anchor people to outdated assumptions he suggested I consider getting a normal job I asked whether he'd ever raised venture capital he said no exactly this is why I don't take financial advice from people who pay off their credit cards completely different relationship with leverage

security stopped me at the airport because my carry-on was full of Poop 2 Fart prototypes 26 identical plastic containers apparently raise questions a security officer asked what was inside them nothing that's the point we're pre-hardware he opened every single one anyway I explained the containers were conceptual, not functional he asked why I needed 26 conceptual containers on a plane I told him investors prefer tangible demonstrations of intangible products he held one up to the light still empty I offered to show him our seed deck he said absolutely not took 35 minutes missed my flight to New York called our investors from the terminal and explained regulatory friction was accelerating booked business class on the next flight cost $2,800 completely justified you can't expect a category-defining founder to sit in economy after being personally targeted by airport security added the incident to our investor update under government engagement

how it feels to convert your poops to farts

my Hinge date asked what I do for work last night told her I founded Poop 2 Fart she laughed I waited for her to finish she kept laughing eventually I pulled out our pitch deck she said she was hoping to have a normal dinner I said this was a normal dinner for someone dating a founder then explained our seed round was oversubscribed technically it wasn't but we had more investor meetings than available calendar slots she asked if we could order appetizers I said absolutely and showed her our customer acquisition slide while we waited she asked if I ever turn work off I said I turned notifications off for this date except investor texts and company Slack and mentions of Poop 2 Fart she left before dessert I paid for both meals expensed mine as founder development hers as customer acquisition haven't heard back yet strong first meeting though

at 6:14am this morning I realized my apartment is a serious bottleneck for Poop 2 Fart my kitchen has a fridge my fridge has food food requires decisions decisions require founder attention so I hired a personal chef to eliminate the distraction he arrived with a knife roll, three grocery bags, and a questionnaire about allergies I told him I don't believe in questionnaires before product launch he asked what I wanted for breakfast whatever maximizes cognitive output he made eggs I explained that eggs are not a strategy he asked if I wanted toast I asked whether he understood the stakes of running a category-defining digestive company he said he just cooks food fired him before lunch now ordering the same $38 smoothie three times a day burn increased $3,400 a month but I haven't made a food-related decision since Tuesday that's founder mode

apparently public libraries aren't very founder-friendly anymore librarian asked him to keep his voice down guy said he was on a customer call she pointed at the quiet zone sign he asked if there was a founder exception she said no he explained his company employs 12 people she said congratulations and asked him to leave he posted a thread about how public institutions punish high-agency builders got 14 likes three were from his employees one was his mom still counts as distribution

a partner at a major VC firm told me Poop 2 Fart should consider an acquisition apparently another company offered to buy our domain for $800 team wanted to take it absolutely insane we're pre-revenue but post-vision you cannot value that with traditional multiples I countered at $80 million plus a board seat buyer replied “lol” screenshotted it immediately that's technically inbound M&A interest updated the investor deck strategic interest is heating up

one of the smartest founders in SF got a parking spot at his apartment $350/month doesn't own a car when I asked why, he said optionality apparently he's been telling investors the spot is an underutilized asset listed it on three rental platforms made $40 last month spent $900 building a dashboard to track utilization his girlfriend asked why he doesn't just cancel it he said she clearly doesn't understand asset-backed recurring revenue they're still together somehow strong retention despite weak fundamentals

Poop 2 Fart received a letter from a government agency yesterday team was freaking out apparently they want clarification on our product claims I told everyone to relax regulatory attention is a sign you're disrupting something important Uber had regulators Airbnb had regulators now Poop 2 Fart has regulators letter specifically asked us to stop implying our software can alter human digestion legal wants us to comply I want to frame it first time the government has acknowledged our category

brunch with his grandmother turned into an unexpected diligence meeting for a seed-stage CEO I know she asked if he had a girlfriend he said he's currently focused on distribution she asked if that meant no he said relationships are difficult to scale without compromising quality grandma said “you're 29 and alone” guy immediately started explaining the difference between loneliness and intentional scarcity she ordered him another mimosa apparently told his mom afterward that Stanford had made him weird honestly unfair he was weird before Stanford

got interviewed by a tech journalist about Poop 2 Fart first question was whether the company was satire told her absolutely not we have payroll a Delaware C-corp and $3.2m in venture funding she asked if that proved the product was real I said it proves very serious people believe it could be she asked for a demo explained we're currently focused on narrative velocity article came out calling us “peak AI absurdity” investors loved it finally getting mainstream coverage

my buddy in soma got invited to a silent yoga class instructor told everyone to disconnect from technology guy asked if she meant airplane mode or fully offline she said fully offline he looked horrified apparently his AI agents were still running back at the office spent the entire class wondering if they were making decisions without him instructor said he needed to surrender control he said that's literally how companies get acquired for pennies left during downward dog posted about the importance of founder oversight

a competitor launched something called Fart 2 Poop this morning literally the reverse of what we're building team started panicking I was ecstatic this is market validation you don't get copycats unless you're onto something massive their founder tweeted that our product violates basic digestive biology interesting coming from someone building backwards digestion already sent our lawyers a screenshot not for litigation for the pitch deck nothing says category leadership like having an enemy

seed founder's mechanic called with bad news: the transmission was failing $6,000 to replace guy asked if they could just ship a software update mechanic said it's a physical component founder said “that's a very hardware-first mindset” mechanic showed him the broken transmission guy took a picture and uploaded it to ChatGPT ChatGPT said to listen to the mechanic he canceled his subscription first time I've seen someone churn from AI over a difference in vision

our Poop 2 Fart offsite got a little heated yesterday booked a $14k house in Napa to align on the vision first exercise was asking everyone what Poop 2 Fart means to them engineer said “a paycheck” marketing said “a really difficult LinkedIn update” cofounder said “please stop making us say the full name” honestly devastating lack of conviction made everyone surrender their phones and rewrite the company mission statement nobody left until 11pm alignment is uncomfortable that's why we expense it

huge milestone at Poop 2 Fart today our first paying user churned the team was devastated I popped champagne you can't have churn without customers that's literally traction investor asked why he canceled apparently he signed up "as a joke" he thought the company was satire incredible we converted irony into recurring revenue for 30 days Silicon Valley has spent billions chasing product-led growth we just discovered shitpost-led growth retention needs work distribution is dialed in

one of my employees asked why I get the suite on company trips explained hierarchy isn't about ego it's about preserving scarce resources if I sleep badly, company strategy suffers if he sleeps badly, one Jira ticket moves to tomorrow completely different blast radius he said we make the same salary told him salary measures compensation, not systemic importance he asked who approved the travel policy I did conversation ended there sometimes leadership is just having admin permissions

pitched Poop 2 Fart to a VC yesterday partner stared at the deck for a full minute finally asked “why now?” couldn't believe my luck AI costs are collapsing smartphone penetration is global digestive systems have 8 billion users incumbents haven't innovated in centuries he said “no, why does this need to exist at all?” classic venture mistake confusing why now with why ever meeting ended 12 minutes early efficient diligence adding him to the follow-up sequence

founder friend went to his first neighborhood block party someone asked what he does for fun guy said “build” they asked what else “read” what do you read? “founder biographies” someone introduced him to a woman who works in education he asked what stage she said fifth grade guy nodded and said “early, but huge TAM” she walked away he spent the rest of the party refreshing X alone told me later the crowd had weak network effects