🇮🇳 Dr.Koop Manduke 🐸 कूपमंडुक : 🎾🏑⚽

My kids’ uncle (their paternal grandfather’s sister’s son), aged 40, passed away a couple of days ago. When we were informed that he was critically ill and had only a few hours left, we asked our kids to come from Chennai to Coimbatore ASAP, where we all were. What was shocking to me was that few people thought it wasn’t really necessary for them to come. This was echoed by a few of their folks and some of our family too. And then, when all the rituals were done yesterday and almost everyone had left, the two of them decided to stay back for another day to spend some time with their aunt. Even this was met with disbelief. Many felt they should just go back to their work and studies and take care of their own needs. After all, they had already made the “big trouble” of coming. Isn’t this sentiment crazy? Even when we were in the US, when we would make the trip whenever close family members were ill or for death or wedding, many people would joke that we must be secretly rich to spend so much money travelling for these things. But that shouldn’t be how we look at these things. There are some things in life where you simply have to be there. Today, many people don’t go for a death unless it is their parents or perhaps someone extremely close. And some don’t even go for that, saying, “What is the point of going after the person has already passed away?” This makes me wonder: What values are we modelling for our children? By setting these expectations, how are we defining priorities and standards for them? What are values? What do we really live for? If death cannot bring us together, if we cannot be there for each other at the big milestones of life, then how do we define what family means? I knew a very educated couple. Both were principals of big schools. They would often talk to me about how they had enrolled their son in a fancy college, and they would say that their son was studying hard and that they didn’t disturb him or ask him to come for this and that because his studies were important. That son, when his own father died and his mother called him, he said that he could only come the next day because he had something important at work. His wife and daughter didn’t come at all because she had exams. His mother was with the dead body alone the entire night (they didn’t have other family either). He came the next day, cremated his father, booked an auto for his mother from the crematorium to their home, and went back to his own family. When we went that evening to see her, she was alone and crying. She told us this story. And I will never forget it. What are we teaching our children when we constantly tell them that work, studies, exams and their own needs must always come first? Of course, studies are important. Work is important. Their own lives and responsibilities are important. But there have to be some moments when we teach them that you drop everything and be there. Death is one of those moments. Weddings and important family milestones are also moments when we should make the effort to be there. If we want our kids to value family, we have to value family. If we want them to show up for people, we have to show up. If we want them to understand that relationships sometimes have to come before convenience, career and personal priorities, then we have to demonstrate that ourselves. What are we living for, and what values are we passing on to our children?