matt

there's something almost gay about having sex with a man

in order to get a girlfriend i just need to purge all the vice from my soul and develop a new, appealing personality. it's honestly doable

my dick is some seriously stepped on shit and i can't finger anyone for longer than a minute because i get too tired

i know i'm supposed to be alone but my arm keeps trying to wrap itself around someone when i'm falling asleep

my new pickup line is i'm naked

it's important that i look and feel sad all the time and i don't know why

if i has a girlfriend i'd never miss when she scored a goal

therapist says i have an 'anal fixation'. not sure why i'm spending 250 dollars a session for this. i could've told you that

first date idea you show me your private parts and i feel sick

i have no rizz i just sit there uncomfortably and hope she notices

just realized that i've been loving wrong since the 6th grade. that's great. i can't even love right. not to mention my unsatisfactory performance in the bedroom

why is there just one happy hour per day? it seems like there should be more. why can't every hour be happy

the first time my ex saw me naked she said: what is that? some sort of penis?

my new pickup line is i'm not very good at this, i'm full of the unmarketable kind of awkwardness that ends with 'please go'

there's no point to even wearing a chastity cage because my cock is so unthreatening. read that again

when i was in high school i used to get really stoned before hanging out with my girlfriend so that i'd have an excuse for my dick not working

have gay sex with me, i must be dreaming

everyone has a soulmate. even me. even though i got some fucked up shit going on

i'm only 5'10 but in heels i get a huge boner

if i had a girlfriend i'd have her tell people i'm 6'5