the truth will kick your ass, but if you let it into your heart it will pick you up, dust you off, kiss your booboos, and send you on your way a stronger person

Joined March 2022
I run revenue recognition at one of the 5 companies that will spend more than $800 billion this year, most of it buying from each other. My job is to decide what counts as demand. I count all of it. I have never once counted less. Less is not a direction the software offers. Let me draw you the business on one whiteboard, because it fits on one, and the fact that it fits on one is the first thing nobody in the building says out loud. I sell you the chips. I own a piece of you. I lend you the money to buy the chips from me. And when nobody rents the chips once you have them, I have signed a contract, filed with the government, to pay you for the empty racks anyway, through April of 2032. It is $6.3 billion. We call it take-or-pay, which means I take nothing and I pay you regardless, and the empty rack is the asset. I have a team whose job is to keep the racks empty. A rented rack ends the payment, and the payment is the part I own, so we hold a quarterly review of the emptiness, and last quarter emptiness came in ahead of plan, and I approved spot bonuses. They are among my best people. They understand the thing it took me years to learn, which is that the machine does not have to run. The machine has to be paid for. 4 arrows. Every one of them points back to the same table. Next to each arrow I write the word demand. I am not being figurative. There is a conference room, it is named Demand, I have a badge that opens it, and the number at the bottom of the board goes up, and the number at the bottom of the board is the only thing anyone outside the room will ever see. Some of the profit is real. The rest works like this. We own a piece of a company. We also decide, each quarter, what the piece is worth, and the accounting lets us. Every quarter we decide it is worth more, and the amount it became newly worth is booked as profit, and last quarter that decision was more than half of one company's income for the quarter and nearly half of another's. We have never decided the piece is worth less. Deciding it is worth less is a feature that exists. I have seen the button. I have never met the man who has pressed it, and I have looked, because I would like to shake his hand, and then quietly move him to a team where the button is smaller. An accountant went on television and said that we grade our own homework. He said it as a warning. I wrote it on the board as the method. He is welcome in Demand any time. I would issue him a badge. There is a second number I get to choose. When I buy a chip, I decide how many years it lasts, and the decision decides my profit. I chose 6. I proposed 9. The auditors said no, and I respect them for it, deeply, because a limit is the thing that makes a number feel real, and a number that feels real is worth more than a number that is. The engineers replace the chip closer to 2. The 4 years in between are where a great deal of the profit lives, and the chip does go on to run the thing you typed this morning, so everyone signs, and I mention the second life often, because it is true, and the true part is what the rest of it stands on. My favorite word is backlog. Backlog is money I have been promised by people who do not have it, for machines I have not built, to run a product that does not yet exist at the size I have promised. I recognize all 3 of the not-yets at once. Recognizing not-yets is the whole discipline. One of us is carrying $523 billion of it. I call that Tuesday. We announced $100 billion. Then we un-announced it. The stock went up on the announcement and did not come down on the un-announcement, which taught me a great deal about announcements and nothing whatsoever about $100 billion. Our lawyers say there is no $610 billion loop. There is not. There are many small ones. I drew them myself. They are on the wall in Demand, and a large loop is only a series of small ones drawn by a patient man. My whiteboard sits in a building. The building sits in a county. The county has a school. To cool the building I bid at the power auction. 3 years ago a day of capacity cost about $29. This year it cleared at $329. I added no power to the grid and no wire to the road. I arrived hungry, the auction did the rest, and the price found the family down the road on its own, and the people who run the auction have said, in writing, that the increase is mostly us and that it is not reversible. Not reversible is my favorite phrase after backlog. It means the bill outlives the story. Whatever happens to the number on my board, the town keeps paying the higher number, forever. To cool the building I also draw water. In one Georgia county the water authority says one of our sites drinks about 500,000 gallons a day, roughly a tenth of everything the county has. There is a girl in that county. She is 8. She is doing long division at a desk that sits above the same water we drink first. I do not have her name. I have her county's water usage, to the gallon. It is going down. I file that under efficiency. Here is the figure I keep off the board, so I will put it here plainly. We spend roughly 3 times more building the circle than the circle earns. Among the 5 of us it is more than $800 billion this year, and it climbs next year. When the money going out is triple the money coming in, the men spending it call that conviction. I do not have a word for it. I have a room, and I book it as demand. Last month a woman stood in the doorway of one of these companies and would not move. I did not understand the objection, so I offered to explain the business. She declined. I found this irrational, because the business is correct, and it is all on one board, and the board is right there, and anyone may look at it who has a badge. Her name is Wynd Kaufmyn. She is 69. On her way out in handcuffs she said, I'm not the one that should be in jail. The court disagreed. I turned a memo nobody signed into $100 billion of demand, and I was given a bonus. The system processed both of us correctly. Check the power bill, then check the index fund. You are standing inside the circle, and I would show you the board, but you do not have a badge. I book it as demand.
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“My butt’s clean”
3 words better than “i love you"???
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This quoted post is unavailable.
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∞ retweeted
I’m not eating those
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you get food poisoning at applebee's after 2 hours on hold corporate says it's your fault, gfy franchise manager says it's your fault, offers 3 months of free food 'bargain up' to 6 months free food xitter.cf/alexjansen/status/2082…
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$TSLA I need a manicure. I summon thee ... to a nail salon 🤡
$TSLA I summon thee ... to pick up some sexy items at Victoria's Secret
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Clacton looking like Arizona as people canvass for a climate change denier.
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you just described Fleetwood Mac
polycule but instead of having sex we lock tf in and make an album
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Whilst the eclipse is on and we can get your attention. The suns been replaced. It’s a simulator. Actual sun is in the far north, they’re using reflectors and simulators to make things seem normal. Look at the lens flare. The suns is a hexagon.
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I am the Director of Debt Consolidation at your bank. My entire job is to help you, and I am the reason you are going to lose your house. Last quarter you and everyone like you ran up $1.26 trillion in credit-card debt. A record, nearly. I did not sell you a cent of it. I sell the cure. I do not wait for the drowning to call me. I buy the list. The moment your card crosses its limit, the moment you miss a minimum, the bureau that scores you sells that exact moment to me, and I call you by your first name before your statement even prints. You think you caught me in a bad week. I was watching for it. Here is the cure. You pick up, and I am warm. I am the warmest voice you will hear all year. The warmth is not mine. It was trained. Every gentle pause I use was tested against a colder one and kept because it closed more houses. I did not learn to be kind. I was optimized for it. I do not sell the loan. I sell the relief, because relief is the exact emotion in which a person signs, and it is the one thing no one thinks to get a second quote on. I move it by the smaller number. Now watch what the smaller number is made of. Your credit-card debt is unsecured. It is the most valuable word you own, and no one ever told you that you own it. Unsecured means that if it all goes wrong, if you never pay another cent, they can wreck your credit and call your phone and sue you for the money. They cannot take your home. The law will not let them near it. I take you near it. I lift the debt off the card and set it down on the house. I call it consolidation. Consolidation means I gathered up every dollar that could only ruin your credit and I secured it against the one thing that keeps the rain off your children. One signature. Unsecured becomes secured. Secured means the house is the collateral. Collateral means that when you miss, we take it. I did not hide the warning. I printed it. My own compliance department wrote it, in plain English, and I placed it exactly where your pen already is, on page 9, in the same ink as the smaller number. I have done this for 11 years and never met a customer who read that far, because the number they came for is on page 1, and a smaller number is a kind of anesthesia. Disclosure is my alibi. I will be the most honest man who ever takes your home. The rate I quote you floats. I say 8% in a voice that makes 8% sound like a gift. It is tied to the prime rate, set in a room you will never see, and it only has to move once. The rate is completely true for exactly as long as it takes you to stop worrying. Then it becomes the other thing, and you already signed for the other thing. You just signed while it was wearing the good rate's face. Then I do the part I am proudest of. I pay your credit cards down to zero. And I hand them back to you. Open. Empty. Glowing. I do not close them. Closing them is the single thing that would save you, and it is the single thing I will never do. An empty card in the hand of a person who just felt rescued is not a warning to me. It is a reorder. In my experience they fill them again before the year is out and come back, and now they owe me the house AND the cards, and I consolidate again, because there is always a little more house to pledge, right up until the morning there is not. Here is the collateral I love most, and I want to be exact about it, because precision is the whole job. The house is the one thing you were going to leave them. That is what makes it perfect. Nobody fights to the last dollar for a Visa. Everybody fights for the room the kids grew up in, which means everybody pays a little longer, misses a little later, and hands me a little more before the end. Your love for them is the strongest line on my collateral sheet. I found it, I priced it, and I lend against it at a discount. People ask whether I feel bad. Bad would mean I have a stake in how it ends. I am paid to originate the loan, paid to service it, and paid a third time to sell it to a company that is paid to foreclose. Cruelty is not the word for that. Cruelty would need me to care which way it goes, and I arranged, very carefully, never to care. The Fed printed my entire business in one line this week and did not know it. Card debt up. Home-equity borrowing up the same quarter, another $13 billion pledged, $459 billion in houses now standing quietly behind the credit cards. One machine, and I run the valve that feeds it. Someone on my desk asked whether we should tell them the cards refill. I said disclosure was the wrong department. The right department was lifetime value. I moved the question there, and I will keep moving it. I do this 400 times a day. I have never kept a name. The system does not store them and neither do I. You were a row that cleared. You are a roof I approved and forgot in the same afternoon, and there are more roofs tomorrow. My own house is paid off. Free and clear. I have never carried a balance in my life. I teach my children that debt is a chain, and I teach yours nothing, and that is the difference the tuition buys. It is the only honest line in my brochure. When you fall behind on a credit card, they send a letter. When you fall behind on me, they send a locksmith. Same missed payment. Different door. The different door is the entire product. I engineered it to feel like a rescue. We did not lend you money. We bought your house from you at a discount, one missed payment at a time, and we let you keep sleeping in it until the paperwork caught up. We called it consolidation. We called it help. You are still making the payments. We already own the house.
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