author HOW TO BE A SAINT - available for pre-order now | writer at @colbertlateshow
New York, NY
Joined July 2011
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Bought new bath toys for my toddler. No one prepares you for these tough parenting decisions.
Dear #MacysParade,
You cannot introduce the concept of Baby Shark and then play a song that is not Baby Shark.
Sincerely,
Every Parent of a Now Furious Toddler
In case anyone was wondering what the parent version of a sex dream is, last night I dreamed that I met Pete Davidson and he offered to watch the kids while I took a nap.
please God let this mean we get Congressional testimony where somebody says "meep meep"
Congressman Joaquin Castro is calling on the Justice Department to "review" Warner Bros. Discovery's "conduct" after it planned to shelve "Coyote vs. Acme."
“Scrapping fully made films for tax breaks is predatory and anti-competitive.”
variety.com/2023/film/news/j…
you have one kid and spend all this time figuring them out and then you have a second kid and they are totally different and that's just really unfair
Kate Sidley retweeted
People will look back on Skyline Chili and say “Wait. That was popular BEFORE marijuana was legal in Ohio?”
Very proud of my home state today!
Ohio just voted overwhelmingly to protect the right to abortion in the state constitution, continuing a post-Dobbs victory streak ahead of 2024 politi.co/47G7rTt
If you ever meet my kids, say what you want about Santa, just please maintain my lie that YouTube doesn't start until 6:30am.
It's very hard to explain to a toddler that Halloween is once a year and not just how we live our lives now.
Teaching my toddler important life skills like reading, writing, and how to wait till the YouTube video says "skip ads" before clicking the button.
Godspeed to every parent who spent months listening to their kid say they want to be a dinosaur for Halloween only to wake up today to them demanding to be a cat.
I want to be something scary for Halloween, so I'm dressing like a work email that starts with "friendly reminder..."
This podium cost as much as my Volkswagen Golf and it doesn't even have a backup camera. apnews.com/article/huckabee-…
