i need to give context–know i don’t have to, i just feel its important. yesterday, what you saw was my quiet BPD triggering a PTSD emotional flashback–abusive relationship from 13-19. i have very little relationship experience outside of that. i know how that kind of episode can be distressing to people, especially those who don’t have these conditions that they manage themselves. its why i feel the need to give info and bring clarity to situation, so that people can understand and not feel so afraid or disturbed. knowledge is power. -- Why I posted what I did -- BPD episode happened–I can handle that easy. but i wasn’t prepared for the emotional flashback. when i was 14, when stuff was genuinely awful + hormones and other shit, i SH’d for the first time and tried to end myself. the SH happened not because of depression or apathy or feeling numb. it was to punish myself. because I felt like i was a horrible person who deserved to be hurt for hurting someone I loved. -- What caused it -- despite what is seen publicly, MT and I are close. i know this man’s opinion on sunscreen. we have spoken in DMs before we ever interacted publicly. idk even what exactly happened to start this. he mistook my behaviour, paranoia is a dick, and he became avoidant. which hurt. i have issues with that stuff, and I told him that early on. it caused a bad paranoia spiral. Sunday i was DM’d by a friend of his who noticed me poking at him publicly. we talked. dude had ZERO idea of my connection with MT. so i tried to catch him up to speed, even mentioned MT’s viral post calling out RPF. because I was the elusive source he mentioned. he showed a screenshot of our DMs–which he had asked permission to do so then. i ended up pulling out the same messages from that screenshot, just from my side, to give to his friend as proof of what I was saying. I sent other ones just trying to corroborate what I was saying. a lot of it was us talking things like culture, politics, religion, and our shenanigans on the timeline. plus some mundane things. lines are blurry for me. schizo means boundaries between things are more diffuse. i thought because I had redacted what i considered private info and was very specific about what i showed while keeping other stuff private, that it was okay. next day, I had told MT I loved him in DMs. he eventually came back and said he was blocking me because I “broke our trust”. he said I had DM’d his friend, which isn’t the case. his friend DM’d me first. my spiral yesterday was because I knew I had hurt him. regardless of how mundane the stuff was that I showed, our conversations and DMs are precious and sacred and I had shown them to others instead of paraphrasing what was said. I take accountability for that. entirely. i fucked up there. my feelings that led me to do that aren’t really a factor to be considered–I shouldn’t have done what i did. -- Why say all of this? -- I know how people see MT. I want to nip that in the ass before anything starts. he is not at fault. situation is complex and messy. that just how life be. we both have done some things that weren’t the greatest–but I don’t hold any resentment or hatred towards him. not even upset or mad at him, really. I love him. he is a complicated person. i don’t want anyone going at him. despite what people think, he is not cruel or evil or hateful. he didn’t do what he did because he wanted to make me suffer–i didn’t even know i would react like that, its unrealistic to think he had any idea either. he might try to downplay things about us or our bond, dude is very good at compartmentalizing things. we weren’t just friends. that label alone felt like pulling teeth to get out of him, and I only did because people were asking what we were and I didn’t want to say anything we hadn’t spoken about. even then, he had said “I feel like we are friends”. he never rejected my feelings, either. i don’t know his feelings, either. but he cares about me. even if i hurt him. he was there for me during past paranoia spirals, and even called me obtuse when I was surprised my venting a few weeks ago, where I said life felt pointless, caused him to be worried. I say this to illustrate how complicated the truth is, and I am still only sharing very specific pieces. and, I say all of this because I know I carry some kind of weight and responsibility for how the conditions i have that I speak about openly are viewed. that my own spirals, because of my transparency, can cause people to view others with these conditions differently. -- Now, what? -- my mood and behaviour might be inconsistent and unpredictable / erratic for the foreseeable future. idk. i’ve never experienced this specific situation before, so i can’t say for certain. i won’t tolerate people giving MT any kind of shit for this. i care about him still. my feelings have not and will not change towards him. lying about his character is epistemic violence and that is something i take seriously. dude won’t ever show how my actions hurt him. don’t try and pry it out of him–he won’t tell you. that is his decision, my kind of radical transparency isn’t for everyone, and i want his privacy respected. i won’t stop people from asking him for his side of things–you have agency and are your own person. just don’t expect him to be as forthcoming as I am about things. don’t do it publicly, either. let his shitposting and ragebaiting be untouched by this–its a place of fun for him and I don’t want to ruin it. we DM’d almost every day from the time i DM’d him first on July 10th and he replied on July 12th. so, this is painful. i miss him. he is irreplaceable. priceless. even when some part of me has the knee jerk instinct to want to wish i had never met him because shit hurts–I can’t. my brain rejects the idea of even humouring that thought. i don’t regret meeting him. i don’t regret his presence in my life. it’s something i will always treasure. please pray for his wellbeing, not mine. i will be fine. this specific part of this mess is because of my actions. i don’t think i can ever hate MT. I don’t think i am constitutionally capable of hating those I love. messy messy messy. in the end of all of this, i just want him happy, healthy, and safe. thoughts are kind of getting mushy and blending into eachother, so i will end it here. will answer any questions people have, though. thank you for reaching out to me, including those who did so despite our past differences. you are good and kind people.