Jonathan Smith

The World Cup has turned America into a discovery channel for the rest of the world. And they are not handling it well. In the best possible way. Here is what they are discovering: Free public restrooms. Europeans pay every time. Free water at every restaurant. Just appears. Free refills. Coffee. Sodas. Iced tea. Unlimited. Free chips and salsa before you even order. Free warm bread with dinner. Ice in drinks like civilized people. Air conditioning everywhere. Not a moral debate. A fact. Parking lots attached to the actual place you are going. Drive throughs where the food comes to the car while you sit in it. Ranch dressing by the gallon. Tex-Mex that cannot be explained only experienced. Dental care that actually works. Buccee’s. There are no words for Buccee’s. Then they found the grocery stores. Five of them within one mile. Each one the size of an aircraft hangar. Burgers. Steaks. Brisket. Ribs. Pulled pork. Lamb. Veal. Every cut of every animal ever domesticated by human civilization available in one refrigerated aisle at ten in the morning on a Tuesday. The Germans stood in the meat section for forty five minutes. In silence. Processing. They finally understand why we do not have trains. We have roads wide enough for the cars we actually drive. Parking lots the size of small European countries. Airports in every city worth visiting. Why would we need trains. The Germans are taking ranch home by the bottle. The Dutch found queso and briefly lost the ability to speak. The Japanese are photographing HEB like it is the Louvre. The Czechs are weeping in West, Texas. Welcome to America! The greatest country on earth.