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Jared Stern

@sternanigans

"time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana" - Groucho Marx

Joined April 2009
  • Tweets354
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  • Followers61
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Photo by Jared Stern (@sternanigans)Photo by Jared Stern (@sternanigans)Photo by Jared Stern (@sternanigans)Photo by Jared Stern (@sternanigans)
Her: Don't eat all of the popcorn before the movie even starts. Me: [In Batman's voice] That's up to the movie.
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So I guess this twitter thing is still around.
A lot can happen in a year
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Fist Fight is the opposite of Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Ever do laundry but dont put it away for a week and even though you know they’re clean they feel dirty so you wash them again yea me neither
A lot can happen in two years
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Cracked pepper makes anything seem fancy
You are until you're not, and then you will be forever
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[Inventing passive aggression] Skeptics: But how will they know? Inventor: Oh... they'll know.
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If you think you look old in a Photo you just took, consider instead that you will never again be that young.
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Got a couple breaking up at my bar right now. Gonna ask if they would like the check split
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Anyone notice that in the new @normmacdonald special, his feet never move. Not once. Comedy was great, but I worry about his circulation
Show me a Nation with a science-hostile government, and I'll show you a society with failing health, wealth, & security.
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Watch @LindseyGrahamSC townhall on mute. He looks like the 3rd understudy for a Community Theatre's production of The Music Man
Image from Jared Stern (@sternanigans)
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Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: My life? Slip away? Why yes, yes I am
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Days since I called a woman sir: 0
Oh I'm no going to be moving
... and then I ate the mashed potatoes. #DonaldTrump
I wish I could March with you today, know that I am there with you in spirit #womensmarch
So proud of my sister who is Marching today in DC. Be Safe and Never be silenced. #womensmarch
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