Argon Dreamcast Evangelion

People: "I want 2020 to be like the roarin' twenties!" Earth: "Alright, infectious disease is spreading." People: "No, not like that." Earth: "The US stock market is tanking." People: "Wait..." Earth: "LMAO Bars can't be open anymore."

Asking my juggalo homie if he wants to grab some drinks:

Me when someone's trying to argue with me online and I see their bio mention that they lost custody of their kids:

Because it's the god damn weekend, and the weekend is for ho shit

Reminiscing about one of my favorite recent strangers. The customer we had at work's late night food truck last summer who told me he needed to order a hot dog because he...couldn't get ahold of his coke dealer. I don't understand your logic but I appreciate the $13 tip. Godspeed

When a big Hollywood movie does poorly, we say it bombed. But if a big Hollywood movie does well, the word we use for it is the name of a WWII era RAF bomb

I love Midwest friendships. It's all like, "This is one of my dearest homies. I met him six months ago at the bar we've never hung out outside of. Our friendship revolves entirely around cigarettes, well whiskey, and Game Grumps quotes. I just learned his name last Tuesday"

They nerfed my main (Rock now has a 6s cooldown and Scissors gained +12.5% Earth damage resistance)

Al: "And my co-host, Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor" Tim: "Lateralus is the greatest album ever written"

Well, I promised that if Texas flipped blue, I'd post Hole on main...

Just accidentally ate a second one of these once-a-day multivitamins and now I can talk to owls and shoot lightning from my eyes

It thrills me to no end that this murderous vapor ninja and this goo toddler are voiced by the same guy

This Italian restaurant in Edmonton is why I have trust issues...

"Can I get a mod to ban that guy" is just the modern equivalent of, "Guards! Seize him!"

TikTok: *pronounces a common word in a bizarre way* Commenter: "Wait why did you say that that way?" To get you to comment about it. Is this lost engagement bait knowledge? Am I the crazy one?

The one upside to not getting very many trick-or-treaters on Halloween is that now I get to spend the days after eating all the extra razorblades myself

Every conspiracy theory is just, "this thing is actually this other thing because it looks like what I think that looks like"

My dog's a really picky eater. I think he might have arf arfid

I love gay Halloween. Like what do you mean one of our bartenders was dressed as the cover art for synthwave duo Magdalena Bay's breakout album "Imaginal Disk"

Awful lot of girls out for Halloween with their boyfriends dressed as Nikki from Obsession, which is...unique optics