Guy in front of me on campus just HAD to flex his Apple Card while buying a $2 bottle of water. He spent 5 minutes explaining to the cashier how exclusive the card is, how it works with Apple Watch, and how he's special for having one. He goes to pay and the card was declined

I don't have it in me to this for a second time

It's just me

Walls are closing in on me

I, in turn, will be ruining the life of Lauren Schotten by introducing her to Overwatch.

*Danny driving directly into an oncoming SUV with high beams and flood lights on* "Huh, it's weird I can't see right now."

Danny Engle ruined my life by getting me into Overwatch

Dudes be like "I'll never get over my ex 😔" Bro, I assure you finding a white woman who has a poor relationship with her parents, unhealthy kinks, a mild case of alcoholism, and crippling insecurity issues that eventually lead to cheating is easier than you think.

A relationship should be 50/50 I show you my Overwatch Play of the Game clips and you be impressed and also interested

Doing a Pokemon Nuzlocke with Zigzagoon is the funniest thing because anything a trainer throws at me I literally just send in a cracked out raccoon that is force fed Hyper Potions every 5 seconds to bite the enemy until they fall over

Someone just told me at a wedding "Thomas, with your long hair and the suit you kind of look like a coke head from Miami Vice that gets gunned down by the police during a drug bust"

"He's probably talking about other girls in the discord right now" The Discord:

Me irl

Me at work vs me when I get home

I spent hours of my life and went through thousands of pages reading a six volume series on The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. The entire series can be summed up with "lmao yeah bro there were like a LOT of barbarians and they kept stealing things"

You guys remember when dudes in Middle school used to have something like this as their Facebook profile picture

Currently eating at a hole in the wall restaurant and the water tastes like crime

He was unable to stabilize the political situation in Afghanistan, leading to a Taliban takeover of the country - that makes Sal tonights biggest loser

Not a phone in sight. Just people living in the moment.

OnlyFans can now downscale their servers to a TI-82 calculator

Man I can't believe Snoop Dogg lives like this everyday