Tom · Nov 24, 2011 · 2:30 AM UTC

My favorite part of Thanksgiving weekend is the end, when everyone posts their slutty Thanksgiving photos to Facebook.

Tom · Nov 22, 2011 · 10:29 PM UTC

Rush Limbaugh says that pepper spray is a food product. I bet he's kicking himself that he never thought to call waterboarding a beverage.

Tom · Aug 26, 2011 · 1:04 AM UTC

I thought about stocking up on emergency hurricane supplies, but I couldn't think of any types of liquor I don't already own

Tom · Jul 22, 2011 · 2:53 PM UTC

Has NY legalized marriage between and a man and his (completely consensual) air conditioner?

Tom · Jul 20, 2011 · 6:06 PM UTC

I never should have ordered my Chipotle "inside out roll"

Tom · Jun 24, 2011 · 3:41 PM UTC

The antonym of life affirming is dental work

Tom · Jun 13, 2011 · 7:40 PM UTC

If I die as a result of something heavy falling on me, someone make sure they write on my tombstone: "He just crushed a lot"

Dave · Aug 1, 2010 · 7:09 PM UTC

Tom retweeted

Tom Prom was the Tom Bomb