Evan Wildstein

Will see you, and raise you:

The President will be taking a bathroom break from 3:15-4:45pm ET. #ThingsPeteHegsethTextedMe

Today I made a huge mistake with our child in the car. Against all the known logic in the world, I stopped the vehicle completely at a red light. What ensued was a horrific, completely unavoidable, predictable toddler meltdown. Parents, learn from me. Do better, be better.

When childless people in their 20s and 30s tell me they’re tired, I’m like, yeah you probably are. These are exhausting times. Hydrate and have a nap.

We absolutely adore your baby and toddler clothes, @BurtsBees. But the placement of these poop-looking nut designs near the butt was… hilarious?

Y’all gotta put baby changing tables in the men’s rooms, @Cheesecake. Some of us dads do that whole “caring for babies” thang.

I beg you, @HomeGoods, stop with the impossible price stickers. We’ll pay more for regular, easy-to-remove stickers. We’ll pay double. The hours it takes to destroy three fingernails plus a vat of @GooGoneBrand isn’t worth it to save seventy cents on this jar of honey.

Unsure what this is, @ChipotleTweets, but it’s not a burrito.

Who people are in a grocery store parking lot is who they really are in life.

Babies: I have a stuffed nose and wish there was some way to relieve it. Also babies: Don’t. You. F*cking. Dare.

America: How much for this MRI? Insurance: $2,000 with coverage, or $250 cash price. America: …

😐

Ah, “taking a team meeting on speaker phone in the elevator” guy. I’ve missed you!

When you visit someone’s home, compliment them on the cleanliness of their bathroom. They spent the 20 minutes before your arrival doing that just for you.

Watching drummers mouth the wrong words to their bands’ own songs is my favorite pastime.

That’s a great idea! Let’s circle back on it in Q5 when we have a bit more bandwidth.

You mean to tell me, there are just people out there, working away, at jobs that don't have meetings? What do they do all day? How do they circle back?

Happy New Year, nonprofiteers. @nonprofitssay made me do it.

When you have kids you start cleaning the house around 6:45am and you finish around 2041.

Radiohead’s “Creep” is perfect. We don’t need your spin on it. Thank you.

I feel like eating healthy. And by healthy, I mean natural. And by natural, I mean nuts and cacao. And by nuts and cacao, I mean trail mix. And by trail mix, I mean peanut m&ms.