Young Lady at Counter: *smiling* "Good morning!" Me: *something catches in throat just as I start to reply* "Goolalralghallaaaa!" Young Lady: ... Me: ... Young Lady: ... Me: "... BLT bagel please."

Eating Oreos with a cat in my lap while watching true crime documentaries. Does it get any better than this?

Cutting into a cantaloupe ... it might be ripe, it might not be ripe. Opening a pizza box on the other hand ... always perfect.

Them: *after reading one of my novels* "He must be insane and spends all his free time burying bodies in his backyard." Me: *during my free time* "ZOMG! I just discovered this awesome YouTube Channel with a costumed historian preparing meals from the 18th century."

Trying to get this married couple in my latest novel to be intimate with eachother is like being one of those zookeepers tasked with getting pandas to reproduce. Here I am offering all the encouragement that I can think of, yet all they want to do is sit around eating bamboo.

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but this evening I will be eating pizza while watching an old Murder, She Wrote / Magnum PI crossover episode from 1986 that I just discovered on one of my streaming channels.

Tommy: "I helped!" Me: *looking at destroyed puzzle* "Thanks ..."

Sometimes I have to remind myself that many of the conversations I have with people only take place in my mind and thus I can't rely on them remembering what we talked about during that dramatic interaction that unfolded in my kitchen, or my office, or my shower.

You can lead a human to knowledge, but you cannot make them think.

Some people smile when they see children building a snowman. I don't. Instead I ponder the possibility that the little wombspawns have killed the babysitter and are hiding her body parts within.

Me: Looks like I'll need to hire someone to come out and replace that corner of carpet in my office. Also Me: Wait! If a blood-covered spouse on Forensic Files can replace some carpet overnight before hiding a body, I can surely do it myself during the day while drinking tea.

I used to think it would be pretty cool to work in a graveyard, but then realize that it is the type of job where you can't even call off if you're dead since they'll just send someone over to drag you in.

New motion sensor cat toy + me getting a bowl of Frosted Flakes in the middle of the night = cats watching with amusement as I accidentally trigger the toy and subsequently throw my bowl of Frosted Flakes all over the kitchen while screaming in terror.

Me: "See that vacuum in the middle of the room? You can either go to the left of it or the right of it, but not through it." Also Me: *walks right into the vacuum* "F*%^!!"

Tommy: "Are you going to pet my cute little belly?" Me: "Are you going to spring a cuteness trap on me and shred my flesh with those claws if I do?" Tommy: "No ...."

My roses aren't red, your violets aren't blue. If you like my novels, you'll be in a straitjacket too. Happy National Poetry Day!!

My current #amreading What are you all reading this week?

Alien # 1: "I'm not a fan of Earth." Alien # 2: "Too hot for you?" Alien # 1: "It's not the heat, it's the humanity."

I never realized that Robert Wise, director of The Haunting, also directed The Sound of Music, which is why I am now envisioning Julie Harris twirling through the halls of Hill House signing, "These halls are alive with the sounds of spirits!"