Anne 🐗🐍🦃

If you’re on a date at a guy’s house and you’re not having a good time and you need to find a way to get him to send you home, do what I do: when he has his arm around you on the couch and asks you what you want to watch, look up at him and say, “Have you ever seen Hazbin Hotel?”

A guy on TikTok who makes fun of people with AI companions just posted a video addressing comments saying he’s being cruel to people with mental illnesses and he said “If we can’t make fun of people with mental illnesses we’d never be able to make fun of anybody ever again”

Last night on the smoking patio with the usual regular crowd I referred to our table as the cool kids table and my buddy pointed at a group of hot Scottsdale people and said “No, THAT’S the cool kids table. Everybody at THIS table is an alcoholic on the spectrum”

“Guerrilla gardening” oh great, women with patchwork tattoos are spreading invasive plant species in the alleyway behind the gas station

The funniest part of Woke 1.0 was briefly canceling Taylor for “go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy that’s fine / I’ll tell mine you’re gay” because like, why were we all pretending that isn’t exactly the move in that situation

Tried to look sexy while playing pool tonight because a cute boy was sitting at the bar and I wanted to know I’ve still got it and then one of my friends playing pool with me was like “Why are you standing like that? Did you hurt your hip again?”

Newly funemployed so we’re all locking in and tightening our belts in this household for a bit, but I just came home from the bar and Big Boy met me at the door with questions about why we have Third Vodka Soda Money and not Second Wet Food Can Of The Day Money

A guy asked me to get dinner on the evening of the first practice of the season for the high school team I coach

You are allowed to separate the art from the artist for exactly three minutes and six seconds when Ignition - Remix comes on

Sounds like you need to get on her dad’s level

One time when I was a kid I told my mom I wished she spent more time with me and she replied “Why would I do that? I’m an adult. You’re a child. We have nothing in common”