J

Can’t. Busy losing the same 5 pounds over and over again until the day I die

I hope this e-mail thinks you’re hot

Heading to the buffet to get my steps in

Fuck it Bring on the Dorito flavored Oreos

You don’t even have to admit you were wrong. You can just change your mind.

I’m glad my phone keeps track of things for me, because my brain is a faulty witness.

I still miss going to Toys R Us

Jesus loves the little children ALL the children of the world Rainbow, yellow, black, brown, white They are precious in His sight Jesus loves the little children of the world

Stress & Full had a baby and named it after me

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but women do not exist just to be attractive to men

Hold on a second, I have to go criticize the way my husband is doing the chores I asked him to do

Merry Mad Libs There won’t be _______ (noun) in _______ (place) this Christmas time. The greatest gift they’ll get this year is _______ (noun).

Pretty rude of my brain to keep reminding me that life will go on after I’m dead

When someone jumps out to scare you during spooky season, assert dominance by booping them on the nose.

Getting rid of taxes does not make those services free. They would be privatized and even more expensive!

You can’t shame me with what I’ve said in the past. I absolutely meant to say that, and I’ll say it again.

Don’t save your happiness for a special occasion