Jeff Bailey

If you're curious what I've been up to check this out. Share with friends, family, enemies, neighbors. Leave a nice comment & a like or some shit & have a nice day. youtu.be/0LyrHEt_Vv4

I'm poor so it's hard to feel bad for rich people who are going to die in a cool submarine. That's a cool death. I'll probably die in a recliner I get from a dead relative who died in that recliner.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was playing the role of Pat Robertson for 93 years.

I'm on the showcase tonight at the Chicago Zanies in Old Town. @JonHuck is here watching over the room. Let's go.

Watch this and learn something new today you little shits!

Hey! I will be opening for @RealBenBailey this Thursday in Urbana, IL! And then May 12th & 13th in St Louis at the Westport Funny Bone & May 14th at @BlueRoomComedy in Springfield, MO! If you are near any of these shows please come out.

I don't know dude. If you find yourself on the side of subway stranglers you may have fucked up somewhere along the way.

I feel like if 7 players died during super bowl week we just wouldn't play the super bowl.

Another mass shooting in the liberal ass sanctuary state of Texas. This is the problem with liberal states with strict gun laws, barely any guns and too many doors. Bad things didn't happen under trump.

We should either make separate gas stations for cops or places high people can get pizza at 3 am without cops making it weird. Whatever is cheapest and faster.

James Taylor and Meshuggah.

Constant bad trans takes from Matt Walsh, Steven Crowder getting divorced. Tough month for closeted gay christians with beards.

Oh, wow! So the guy who got choked to death in front of an audience is the mentally ill one? Holyshit got it.

The only thing Ed Sheeran is guilty of is making killer songs to get fingered to.

Steven Crowder is a great example of why you should absolutely have sex before marriage. They don't believe in abstinence! They want to lock you in before that sheltered dork shows you his weird little dick and you want out.

People act like Australia is so dangerous and crazy, but only 21 people have been killed by crocodiles since 1974. We'd be lucky if 21 people aren't shot by the time I'm done with this tweet.