Lyin' Tom Herman🖕🏻

Those Houston players are like sons to me and I'll always love them like a father who's 8 years behind in child support payments.

Who do I honestly have to blow to get a head coach gig?

It was honestly great seeing my Peach Bowl team. I felt like a father seeing his kid on his wedding day for the first time in 9 years after I walked out on the family for a sexy AF blonde that dumped me 4 years later.

I honestly considered going by Goodwill to buy back one of the UH shirts I donated, but I doubt they’d have any of it left after 9 years. So I wore a plain black shirt in honor of my coaching career.

It’s honestly a fun day back home at UH. I’ve lost count of how many fans that have told me I’m #1.

Good morning my fellow Coogs! I will be on campus early visiting tailgates so that my adoring fans can kiss my Peach Bowl championship ring! I honestly can't wait to see y'all! #ForTheHerman

Working on a Cajun accent just in case.

I can honestly do both the AD and head coach job at LSU. I'm sure that I can strike a deal with @LAGovJeffLandry. I promise to not use LSU to get a monster deal from Texas because I napalmed the hell out of that bridge 9 years ago. Do your magic @JimmySexton9 #OpenToWork

I honestly can't wait to see my indoor practice facility Saturday. I insisted on UH building it because I wanted to block the downtown view and piss off club season ticket holders.

Just placed a massive @ChapStick order with Amazon. The #KissingBandit returns home to TDECU Stadium Saturday! #ForTheHerman

Hello @ChastangFord, I need to borrow an Explorer this weekend. Thanks! #ForTheHerman

UH has agreed to play Aerosmith's "Back in the Saddle" as my walk up song Saturday. I honestly can't wait to feel the love from my loyal Coogs! #ForTheHerman

It's a good thing that Michelle can still rock her red short shorts. I honestly thought I'd never see her in them again. See all my loyal Coogs this Saturday #ForTheHerman.

Hey @MikeBrem, I left my UH grill in the Explorer when I ditched it at the airport. Honestly thought I'd never need it again. Can you bring it to the game Saturday? I'd like to wear it for old times sake. Please soak it in a cup of hydrogen peroxide if you've been wearing it.

I honestly should've never left Houston. Michelle looked so hot in her Cougar red short shorts. Everyone in the upside down pineapple club couldn't wait to get them off of her.

I honestly miss Austin but I don’t miss the dudes that hit on me at Oil Can Harry’s. Landing Strip #FTW.

I need a job so I can get out of the house. Michelle is driving me nuts. She’s all about the upside down pineapple club.

Michelle’s pissed about my firing because she had to postpone another round of cosmetic surgery.

It honestly takes a special talent to get fired from FAU. I was obviously the most intelligent man on campus which no one could handle. #Mensa

I honestly miss coaching her.