Randy Smith

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Who was the more famous Susan Anthony?

Me: pretty awesome that all the coolest jobs require the least amount of education. We ready? Bungee Cord Guy: you bet amigo!

If I can’t understand your vanity licence plate is it even vain?

When you’re an adult the time to get to your destination depends on traffic. When you’re an adult with a child it depends on number of pinecones on the sidewalk.

Apparently I’d rather stare at my shoes for 5 minutes than walk out at the same time as my neighbour.

Forget luxury purses, the truest money flex is being a parent and taking your kids anywhere fun.

If you had to enter the Physical: 100 Korean show on Netflix but all the competitors were different versions of you throughout your life. What place would you come in if you entered as yourself today? #Physical100

Just ran a 5K to raise awareness that bees can chase you for up to 5K

Figured out I can control the living room speakers from the driveway and start playing a song before I open the door as a kind of wrestling entrance. Today I chose Cant Hold Us by Macklemore. I forgot the baby was sleeping and boy did I not get the reception I was looking for.

Ya my parents had it tough but they’ll never know the struggle of buying banana quantities online

If it’s gluten free then why do they make it so gluten expensive?

Red Pill: Take medication. Blue Pill: Did I already take this?

Was recently complaining about the lack of mice in forests and someone said I sound like an owl

Ceo: I know what to do but I don’t think I can convince everyone to follow me and I also don’t want to be responsible if things go wrong. Consultants: Hold my beer.

Can’t find my toothpaste so im brushing with my kids tube. This is candy. Twice a day of this and I’m diabetic.

Reading the Giving Tree to my kid backwards so it’s about a nice tree that grows really strong and no one’s day is absolutely crushed. 😭

Going out tonight with a slight cold and runny nose. Its not COVID but if anyone asks I’m telling them it’s a cocaine addiction

Hello Sharks, for 30% of my company and 10 thousand dollars you can be a part of garbage cans in bathrooms but waaaaay bigger.

On this day the war with the machines was won when I typed in shot and it autocorrected to shit