Behold my many, many rules for interacting with me.
Joined November 2013
- Tweets61.5K
- Following4.9K
- Followers5.8K
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RunwayDan retweeted
He looks like the only fifth-grader with two ex-wives and a haul to make to Memphis.
RunwayDan retweeted
Walter Koenig, who played Chekov in the original “Star Trek” series and seven “Star Trek” feature films, has died at 90.
variety.com/2026/film/news/w…
RunwayDan retweeted
This motherfucker was definitely on something hitting a lot harder than cheese, let’s be honest with ourselves.
👉 super70ssportsstore.com/prod…
RunwayDan retweeted
Modern science attributes empathetic loyalty and superior olfactory perception to the intuitive sense found only in dogs of knowing when you have a disease or Hamburger Helper.
RunwayDan retweeted
They say a watched pot never boils but you know what else a watched pot never does? Levitate.
RunwayDan retweeted
Remember finding out your teacher's first name and weaponizing it, or was I just a little shit?
RunwayDan retweeted
Millennial mid-life crisis ideas:
- Buy anything.
- Personally put a chain restaurant out of business.
- Perform a coup on the local yoga class.
- Open an obnoxious coffee shop.
- Have a kid but don't tell a single person (impossible)
RunwayDan retweeted
Yes, believe it or not, realizing that millions of people would do TikTok dances if I was murdered for not voting the way they wanted me to or having different beliefs is quite radicalizing. Crazy, I know.
RunwayDan retweeted
If you ever get attacked by a badger, throw some piranhas at it if you have some piranhas.
RunwayDan retweeted
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you're like me, you do nothing with this information.
RunwayDan retweeted
I have deleted Facebook, which means I will no longer know who died fatter than I am, or later than I'd hoped.
RunwayDan retweeted
Silent no more. It's time we call perfume in purple bottles what it is: hussy water.
