ThinkYorùbáFirst Èkó

VIRTUAL OWANBE MY LIFE AS A RIVALRY EXPERT IN ÀGBÀ ÀGBÁYÉ An Autobiography by Omidan Idiganlebe My name is Omidan Idiganlebe. I don't attend parties just to eat and dance. I investigate, observe, compare, compete, and report suspicious activities. I'm the unofficial Minister of Gossip and Competitive Affairs in Àgbà Àgbáyé! My unforgettable experience happened at a Virtual Owanbe party. The moment I arrived with Omoladun and our Mogbọ́ Mo Branch people, I saw THEM! One woman's gele was so enormous I suspected she needed air traffic clearance to turn her head. Another walked as if the Metaverse belonged to her ancestors. The third smiled at everybody, even people who hadn't looked at her! I whispered, "Omoladun, do you see what I see?" She replied, "Beautiful women enjoying themselves." I nearly fainted. "BEAUTIFUL? They're CAMOUFLAGE! Their pretentiousness is getting out of hand! They want to steal our glory!" Omoladun sighed. "Please behave. We don't want to be expelled from Àgbà Àgbáyé!" Expelled? ME? I've survived physical-world and social-media rivalry. I won't surrender to digital competitors with expensive gele and artificial confidence! Then I noticed them taking pictures, laughing, and networking. One even greeted Omidan Ọjúlárí! "OMOLADUN! SHE HAS STARTED NETWORKING!" "She only greeted her," Omoladun replied. "Exactly! Today, a greeting; tomorrow, friendship; next week, they'll invite our people to their birthdays!" Omoladun begged me to stop. But when I saw a rival looking at me, I smiled. She smiled back. I immediately whispered, "She's monitoring me! Why is she smiling? Who sent her? And WHY IS HER GELE BIGGER THAN MINE?" Then the host announced a Best Dressed Guest award, with a special title in Àgbà Àgbáyé as the prize. "OMOLADUN! THIS IS OUR MOMENT!" She grabbed my wrapper. "Sit down! I beg you in the name of everything physical and virtual!" Too late! I'd already rehearsed my victory speech. The winner was announced. It wasn't me. It wasn't Omoladun. It wasn't anybody from Mọ̀gbọ́n Mọ̀ Branch. IT WAS ONE OF THE WOMEN I'D BEEN GOSSIPING ABOUT ALL EVENING! My smile disappeared. My confidence logged out. Even my avatar seemed to lose network connection! Omoladun consoled me: "It's only a fashion competition." "ONLY? This is a historical defeat!" She dragged me away before I could demand a recount. At the exit, I turned back: "Enjoy your victory today! Àgbà Àgbáyé is large. There'll be another Owanbe!" My lesson? You can enter the Metaverse with beautiful clothes, confidence, and plans to outshine your rivals. But if you spend the whole party monitoring everybody else, YOU MAY BECOME THE EVENING'S BIGGEST ENTERTAINMENT! Am I bitter? Absolutely not. I'm conducting further research! The next Virtual Owanbe is coming. I'll bring a bigger gele, stronger internet, and ZERO intention of losing. Between us, I've already started investigating the contestants! Signed: Omidan Idiganlebe Chief Gossip Correspondent and Minister of Competitive Affairs, Àgbà Àgbáyé. VIRTUAL OWANBE Where Stories Meet New Possibilities.