ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) header
ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) profile picture

ThisOneSays

@ThisOneSayz

Winging this life. Check back for no helpful tips whatsoever. https://teapaw.org/t.co/8mX27QK6yN

Joined January 2016
  • Tweets53.1K
  • Following4.6K
  • Followers16.6K
870Media
Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)Photo by ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
7
48
1
254
13,763
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
17
119
4
665
24,988
ThisOneSays retweeted
Dead Pan Nick (@Contwixt) profile picture
Dead Pan Nick
@Contwixt13 Apr 2017
Aliens: what are u doing Earth: Blowing big holes in our own planet because we're afraid of each other Aliens: okay take care
8
408
25
750
“Sweet ride, bro.” “Thanks, pops.”
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
1
79
3
483
13,965
ThisOneSays retweeted
Darla (@ddsmidt) profile picture
Darla
@ddsmidt7 May 2015
A snake just stays a snake. They don't morph into butterflies or anything beautiful like that.
5
143
208
I can’t be with you anymore, you’ve changed.. *Caterpillar & butterfly
1
24
2
35
6,397
ThisOneSays retweeted
Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) profile picture
Rick Aaron@RickAaron8 Apr 2024
For 12 glorious minutes today, I get to call all my neighbors who have solar panels & tell ‘em “Your power’s out”.
4
112
3
2,031
50,859
“Are you the branch manager?” “Yes I am, how can I help you?” “I would like two branches, please.” “How would you like that?” “Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
9
148
6
1,731
45,862
"I sat in an air-conditioned room and ate candy. Four stars." -my review of every summer movie
2
191
36
479
ThisOneSays retweeted
Darla (@ddsmidt) profile picture
Darla
@ddsmidt30 Sep 2017
The rules of the universe clearly state - to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
12
231
6
389
Coming this summer, Owen Wilson in his most challenging role yet…
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
38
109
8
546
27,489
and then you spend the rest of your life chasing this high
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
6
46
3
329
17,545
ThisOneSays retweeted
Darla (@ddsmidt) profile picture
Darla
@ddsmidt23 Apr 2018
I always keep a pair of reading glasses around for when I have to zoom-in the old-fashioned way.
2
141
8
221
what you call a string of really stupid posts I call establishing an alibi
1
35
93
6,434
ThisOneSays retweeted
Darla (@ddsmidt) profile picture
Darla
@ddsmidt11 Mar 2017
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean* My house is soooo dirty right now
11
438
10
675
but she’s taking some time to work on herself
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
8
106
5
1,117
33,658
she broke up with me because she claimed i had low self-esteem and i asked her what took her so long
1
14
27
2,187
*friend stares incredulously as I top my lasagna with four inches of cheese
10
116
1
184
what kind of idiot uses packing tape for a job that obviously requires duct tape?
Image from Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969)
66
158
5
1,161
34,041
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
8
209
1
479
Load more