uncle mom

My stepmother has a personality only the DMV could love.

Don’t talk to me that, I have AAA.

My son told me that he plays Magic the Gathering. I cried tears of joy, I’m too tired to be a grandmother.

I go for guys in cargo shorts. They usually have good credit and a lot of vacation time saved up.

How come in murder documentaries, the victim was always kind and lit up a room? Nobody ever says, “Yeah Terry was a real piece of shit”.

My niece was drawing a picture, she told me it’s for Nana. After a sigh she said, “I’ll give her a good deal”.

I’m going to get really skinny, so people think I can afford Ozempic.

Astrology is for idiots -Me Pfffftt, he would be a Pisces-Me

Of course I’m depressed. I’m not insane.

People tell me I’m a scary driver. No shit, how do you think I feel?

Shoot, when I get my taxes back, we’ll be a two stick of deodorant family!

Whoever said “Time Flies”, has never been to an open mic.

Watch how you speak to me. I’m wearing matching socks.

No one is worth pretending to like Dave Matthews for.

How about we deport all the “Birthday Month” people?

My fear of success is 100% small talk based.