text II is active, moved by pleasure
Joined March 2015
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of course the hardest part of this is that most people essentially experience themselves as earnest and Trying ("I AM present") even if they're not. so you basically either need someone who's psychologically sophisticated enough to actually identify and speak to the meta or someone has such a great nervous system they have all the correct instincts and reactions naturally and they don't even need the meta
I have a really different understanding of jealousy/possessiveness in relationships than I used to, and now believe that jealousy is less about what someone will or will not do and more about presence. For instance, it's impossible to feel possessive over someone if you simply don't desire their presence. And actually a lot of people are okay with the level of presence their partner provides, and maybe even feel "ideally you'd be less present." Jealousy as I experience it is really about wanting More of someone and feeling aware (or perhaps paranoid) that their mental or emotional presence is split. I always felt very perplexed when people would express jealousy to me in relationships bc my mentality was like "you're crazy, I would never do anything," but now I think the more valid critique is, "Are you really here with me, or are you sort of absent?" And of course people can be absent emotionally or mentally even if they're not Attached to Another Person
a thought experiment: is your partner jealous bc on some deep level they fear you don’t truly (romantically) love and respect who they really are? now: is that true?
I have a really different understanding of jealousy/possessiveness in relationships than I used to, and now believe that jealousy is less about what someone will or will not do and more about presence. For instance, it's impossible to feel possessive over someone if you simply don't desire their presence. And actually a lot of people are okay with the level of presence their partner provides, and maybe even feel "ideally you'd be less present." Jealousy as I experience it is really about wanting More of someone and feeling aware (or perhaps paranoid) that their mental or emotional presence is split. I always felt very perplexed when people would express jealousy to me in relationships bc my mentality was like "you're crazy, I would never do anything," but now I think the more valid critique is, "Are you really here with me, or are you sort of absent?" And of course people can be absent emotionally or mentally even if they're not Attached to Another Person
I have a really different understanding of jealousy/possessiveness in relationships than I used to, and now believe that jealousy is less about what someone will or will not do and more about presence. For instance, it's impossible to feel possessive over someone if you simply don't desire their presence. And actually a lot of people are okay with the level of presence their partner provides, and maybe even feel "ideally you'd be less present." Jealousy as I experience it is really about wanting More of someone and feeling aware (or perhaps paranoid) that their mental or emotional presence is split. I always felt very perplexed when people would express jealousy to me in relationships bc my mentality was like "you're crazy, I would never do anything," but now I think the more valid critique is, "Are you really here with me, or are you sort of absent?" And of course people can be absent emotionally or mentally even if they're not Attached to Another Person
I view the thesis of passionate marriage as "sexuality in long-term relationships is tied to individuation and tolerance of risk, but the natural impulse in long-term relationships is to bring risk down to zero." and by risk I I literally mean "emotional closeness." though it's counterintuitive, the most stable relational equilibriums for most people involve "not being emotionally close," because anything in which you're truly present inherently feels scary and risky
this is very true in the sense that "being really in love with a great person" is the only Viable Solution, and you really can't skip the "really in love" part or the "good person" part. goodness makes emotional risk tolerable, being in love makes real intimacy possible
xitter.cf/exactlynora/status/211…
