Payton Stoppel

Good men are like good livestock, they all go back to good mamas.

I’ve spent a lot of night in hotels but I’m just now staying in one completely to myself? How long do I stand in the shower? What do I set the thermostat on? This entire mirror is just for me? This is wild.

I haven’t been fishing in quite some time so how fortunate some white trash picked my driveway to dump their (now rotting) fish guts. My dogs even enjoyed it by rolling around, how special❤️

It blows my mind that people use email as such a powerful/confidential form of communication. My leaked emails would read: “Yes, it’s done.” “Sorry, I don’t know anything about that.” “Thanks.”

Nothing makes you feel like a woman quite like the waitress bringing you children’s silverware because she “thought you were one of the kids.”

My boss made me get a company Twitter without guidelines. Will I behave? Will I maintain my unpolitically correct Twitter presence and get fired? Stay tuned! Or follow @hpj_ps if you want see for yourself

With all that’s going on in the world what concerns me the most is how some people prefer hard mattresses over the kind you sink into.

I would rather eat dog shit than make a baby Instagram account and have to pretend the baby is typing the captions.

For $1 I’ll let you watch me stick a fork in an outlet. Just trying to make some money back after having to buy a new MacBook and making a car payment in the same day.

If one more person rattles off their information to me like they’re practicing their chant for the auctioneer championship I’m hanging up right then and there.

Got another great workout in today.

“I don’t know what kind of music you listen to but this is Koe Fucking Wetzel” ok Mike let’s calm down...

According to Snapchat filters I should only have a few freckles on my cheeks and nose. Weird how they’ve consumed my entire face in real life.

Can we have Mexican restaurants back for Cinco de Mayo at least?

I never took drivers ed, am blind, and still understand you don’t pass with your brights on. So plz enlighten me with your excuse why so many cars do, especially you Becky, with your LEDs shining into my soul

Seems kind of rude that during winter my fingers shrink enough for my rings to fall off but my gut doesn’t??

It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.

*When you realize 2019 is nearly over and you haven’t accomplished any of your new year resolutions*