Captain Rob 💙💛🤍

Five books...two series, lots of dead people and much chortling and snort laughs. Six Idiots Witness a Murder (3 books) The Assassins' Social Club (2 books) Available on Amazon and Kindle 😀

Apparently today is World Kindness Day so I'm going to go out and be kind to all of the losers and idiots in my town. I'll give them a link to my books on Amazon so they can have a laugh while the rest of the world struggles opening their email. 😁 #WorldKindnessDay

Good morning and happy Friday. 🌞 I have just been promoted to manager of my department ahead of three long-standing employees. My first job is to try to get them all to sit down. 😁

A note for all #Microsoft engineers currently trying to fix things. Every dead body on Mount Everest was once a determined and enthusiastic individual...so maybe don't try too hard today 😊 Buy these and laugh at all the corporate crapulence instead 😁

If you've been sick of hearing about Kourtney, Kim and Khloe from your partner over the last 4 years....next Thursday you can get revenge by talking incessantly about Jason and Lucia 😁 Sorted 💪

ANNOUNCEMENT ❗ There will soon be an announcement about a future announcement. An announcement will be made ahead of this announcement. Unrelated: new book coming in January that will save your sanity. 😁

Someone said something mean to me eight years ago and I have finally thought of a devastating and witty comeback! Unfortunately I can't deliver it because that person died in a sudden, violent accident about 8 years ago and their body was never found. 🤷‍♂️

Do you ever wonder why alien abductions only ever happen to dumb farmers called Hank in Idaho? We don't see intelligent people being abducted, just a gormless dairy farmer. If they wanted sensible information about the Earth, they'd be better off abducting one of Hank's cows.

The perfect #Christmas #Gift for someone who loves dad jokes, puns and random thoughts. Over 1000 original 'dad thoughts' that range from bad jokes, terrible puns and shrewd (but hilarious) observations on life, work, marriage and more! Out now at Amazon 📚

I don't like to tell everyone what I'm doing but a certain product is open for pre-downloading today ahead of the release on the 19th November. Just saying.

Disappointing news today, the Mo-vember challenge I enter every year has already been declared over. My ex mother-in-law has won it for the 16th consecutive year 🙁

In case any of you are wondering what exciting things I get up to when I'm not writing, I have just added another picture source to my TV screensaver and am currently enjoying a view of a lake with trees. No...it's gone. Now it's a church in winter. No...now it's mountains 😁

Five assassins, each highly skilled at their job, travelling the world taking out bad guys while navigating ridiculous HR policies, internal audits, the hilarious complexities of real life and a shadowy organisation trying to kill them. Murder and laughter. What's not to like?!

Good morning and happy Monday to those who celebrate it. 🎉 Today's 'Where in the World' competition is a difficult one...there will be prizes for the winner so make sure you put 'Waikiki Beach' in your reply so I know you want to be considered. 😁

You look like the type of person who goes to bed early on a Sunday night. And grows their own vegetables. And watches BBC2. 😁

It's a very cold one here at Random Towers. My butler is struggling to scrape the frost off my car windscreen at the moment so I've had to send out my assistant butler to help him...so don't talk to me about your problems. 😳😂

I am currently on a short holiday in Europe and have heard there has been a murder in my small town 😱 Don't worry, it wasn't me 😇 (If I'd committed a murder I would have gone on a short holiday in Europe to get away from the heat).

What an absolute banger of a month November 1983 was! #totp

That's 3 days without wanting to murder someone. I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me 😳😁