To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. The profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.

I got fired from another bath and body works for telling a lady sampling the lotion that it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again.

Remember when we had to make our own emojis like savages learning to create fire? <3 <3 :)

Is that a double entendre in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

George Michael and Boy George should have formed a band called Bi-George!

During prohibition Jesus turned wine into water.

[ Spelling Bee ] Me: your word is gladiator. Contestant: use it in a sentence? Me: after being diagnosed with herpes he was no longer gladiator. Judge: disregard that. How does this guy keep getting on the stage?

What would you have had to have done to be reincarnated as a bidet in a public restroom?

The only thing a professional skydiver needs for a succesful résumé is being alive.

You're in the Midwest when anything with jello as an ingredient automatically becomes a salad.

Me: what do you call a quarterback with a boner? Her: hard pass. Me: where did you hear that joke?

The same person who named small candy bars fun sized also named red delicious apples.

True Canadians use maple leaves for blunt wraps.