@SleepEatScream

https://xitter.cf/t.co/x5qlUZk4g8

 🇨🇦
Joined June 2025
  • Tweets62.7K
  • Following625
  • Followers2K
295Media
Adults who say “whoopsies” please stop.
32
55
5
128
3,347
Rated R for graphic melted cheese and illicit frying of bacon
6
7
139
I thought my midlife crisis would have more World of Warcraft.
1
3
6
130
You don’t scare me. I was on a three hour flight with a toddler behind me playing The Wiggles the entire time without headphones
2
2
8
92
Sorry kids, but for every Christmas commercial you see before Halloween, a Werewolf shreds one of Santa's elves.
31
2
46
My wife asked for my honest opinion when I wasn’t paying attention and I gave it to her…
1
1
28
Jen retweeted
Nutella@NutttyV3h
The day we started talking, I’m pretty sure God looked down and said "About time."
1
4
7
180
No one is coming to save you. Dumbass.
1
1
4
108
Sometimes you can only miss them , you can’t call or text
5
8
144
Welcome to Twitter, a dude who looks like a dirty Weeble Wooble will show up on your TL shortly to anonymously insult the appearance of somebody way out of his league
3
5
8
163
Is that a double entendre in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
1
6
21
619
Jen retweeted
Destry@DestryBrod11h
Remember when we had to make our own emojis like savages learning to create fire? <3 <3 :)
7
13
1
60
978
I'm 61, which means my value on the cannibal market has begun a steep downward decline.
2
12
1
22
632
I miss you like a toddler misses the toilet.
2
46
88
Not to be cold hearted, but I don’t even cry when I cut onions
2
7
25
479
Always remember who the fuck you are and let them think whatever they want they want
5
20
474
it really is usually that deep like IDK what to tell you. like i know thats annoying like i know we all have work on monday but often its still that deep
25
64
1
133
1,852
I simply lack the work ethic, diligence and eye for detail that serial killing requires.
3
24
45
1,052
I fucking hate snakes, Especially human ones.
3
4
33
504
after reading so much poetry, it's clear that, roses are red, and violets are blue.
3
7
143
*winks at the plague from across the bar*
5
5
152
Load more