W.I.S.E. The AWL 🌐

me rolling up to offkai in an itasha keitruck of @hazmatvt & not letting him take a pic with it (even though i let him sit in the passenger seat on the way to offkai) also in the back are @emerickdraws who is there as the crime scene sketch artist & also future sketchroom artist he's a special tool we'll use later & we've kidnapped @popeyesshrimp who is eating Popeye's Shrimp & getting crumbs everywhere & the sauce spills on him & it's hot sauce but luckily for him temperature wise it's cold so it stains but he doesn't sustain heat burns & he does get chemical burns because it's really acidic hot sauce rip popeyes shrimp can we get a shrimp in the chat for popeyes shrimp also @Wordy_Dird gets trapped in bird form & spreads her wings AND HER CHEEKS & shidds right on the windshield & it smears EVERYWHERE looks like the aftermath of letting any of my nieces using frosting to decorate christmas cookies also happy merry christmas everyone i know its early but by the end of you reading this post it'll be christmas & so I borrow @FlavorfulVT's High Noon can & use it to clean the windshield & then @BookofVTubers goes weeoo weeoo weeoo in his combination police car x firetruck x taco bell x pizza hut & tells me it's a fire hazard & cites me 120 offkai ribbons but the whole system is corrupt i know he plans on using those ribbons to trade to other ppl to get more @/ironmouse ribbons so i throw 13 ribbons at him & say "foiled again, take this dozen to your baker" because the ribbons are the foil print ones bc i cant afford full color ribbons bc i spent all my money on the itasha kai truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (even though i let him drive it at home) & the art was drawn by hand by @RiotSRetro who we forced to take pinstriping lessons at a rat fink style autobody detailing shop & then & then also also so anyway so then @MarshalSwampson covers the incident in a video essay on YouTube & it goes viral internationally & is the first YouTube video to hit 20 billion views (but unfortunately youtube demonetizes and demonizes the video that's right it's now a egregore tulpa tubby) bc it has a voiceover by @RoastSiege & the folks at home cannot get enough of that velvety voice (the folks at home start to call themselves "roasties") & the whole thing is edited by @ChaoEntertain check'm out great video editor great vids #notsponsored & then @HydraDreams was in the comments & wrote "lol imagine" thinking this was a joke but it really happened & then he gets in a big beef with the community for trivializing the pain & suffering of book of vtubers who torn to ribbons BY RIBBONS!11!one that were thrown at him earlier in the sentence & then every1 has to release a group statement & the scion account goes viral & the ppl running it dont know why & they start liking the wrong posts so then they get caught in the drama & then moist covers it but not the moist you're thinking of no the moistest of them all @/hazmatvt the same @/hazmatvt i have on my itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (even though he cosigned the loan for it) & by it hehe i mean my itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (even though he showed me the post in the first place) but oh what's this it's a plot twist it's @/emerickdraws back again emerick's back tell a friend @/emerickdraws draws @/hazmatvt next to the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (even though his face is all over the truck) & technically @/hazmatvt didn't take the picture so i'm powerless to stop him but whomst's've's this oh it's @mspaintmouse & what you all didn't know was that @/mspaintmouse made a decoy itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (bceven though he really wants to) however it needs to be noted that @/mspaintmouse only did the physical 3D modelling of the clay the wrap art for the decoy was made by @KaeraSlipstream (@/RiotSRetro 's did the art for the original & didn't point out that the art didn't match anymore to be polite) & to be fair @/hazmatvt should've guessed @/KaeraSlipstream did the art because it heavily featured references to both Deadlock & the Outlast Trials so if you think about it that was really on @/hazmatvt sounds like a SKILL ISSUE to me & that decoy itasha CLAY truck was the one i was driving to offkai & the real itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (even though it would be sick nasty) is kept deep in a secret bank vault under the erff where it is stored horizontlely so it doesn't get messed up anyway @/hazmatvt rages out about being deceived by a fakeus claykeus truck & starts raging out everywhere & i mean everywhere it's an environmental disaster & who else is in the environment that's right it's @TrentDeadwood who calls it in & says "okay folks we have a code tree fiddy" because get it he's a tree okay anyway so then @ManuelOfArms says "i have eyes on the situation" but he gets arrested by @/BookofVTubers for lying in uniform because everyone knows @/ManuelOfArms only has ONE EYE just like the eye that isn't in team but is in revolution #BlackDynamite, which is exactly what he does, he rolls his eye like a katamari but he's right next to the clay truck so the clay gets in his eye & he gets pink eye which is lowkey kinda force femme if you think about it & he's basically had a magical girl transformation & if you think about it a magical girl is just a muse & that's exactly what @LSotek needed so he picks up his cell phone & says "hey, cousin @Orchible you know that sound you were looking for? hehe, well, take a load of this" & @/Orchible doesn't say shit because his phone was on silent bc he was at an offkai panel about maximizing your ribbon distribution optimization using b2b gamified SaSS with a fully levereged LinkedIn network or something i dont know because i didnt even make it past the doors before this happened anyway so then what happened was @TrickcoG gets to the scene in the Tricked-Out Tricko News Wagon (it's nice but it's not as nice as the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn't allowed to take a pic with it [because he keeps setting off the alarm]) & he's trying to get the scoop right but unfortunately there's an ice cream truck & they're passing out scoops & in that confusion, well, you ever see that documentary about a reporter from Kazakhstan, it's called Anchor Men, there's this scene where a bunch of news crews from different channels fight, imagine that with vtubers, so there's the vtubers right, in different groups, & they all get their different weapons, we've got lewdtubers with dakimakura filled with rocks & oh god it's @acvalensVT she's eating female vtubers in Yabai Market left & right they're melting in her mouth not in her hand oh the humanity, it's warmer than my itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn't allowed to take a pic with it (because he didn't have the $20 cover fee) we've got the ball & gun gamers with cosplay props that don't have orange tips (always put an orange tip on ur football) & @GhostchillVT is in these streets & in these tweets just trying to calm everyone down but it's not working so he says "fuck it we ball" & loads up NBA & they start calling him chris poltergeist they're calling him wight howard they're calling him wraith allen he gets signed he's officially graduating & going to go back to playing professional basketball because nowhere in the rules does it say a ghost can't dunk, there's some confused fujoshis with yaoi paddles but they've got the spirit, we've got the ASMRtists with their sharp ahh nails & they're shooting thick slugs but they're the asmr plastic toy slugs, the educational vtubers are being led by @vtutor8 & they let @physbuzz2 in as an honorary vtuber for the numbers #reopentheschools & he's out here folding the cardboard cutouts into tesseracts he's out here using that to make time straight up wrinkle so he can isekai ppl oh god, just like all the ppl i isekaied with the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn't allowed to take a pic with it (bc he refused to play Moon Sweepers with me with 2 hours notice) the historical vtubers are in historically accurate cosplay oh god they're forming a classical Greek phalanx they've got the aspides layered they've got the dory-dory doki-doki #MyRomanEmpireAcademia it's so over, or is it, because they get ganked from behind by the horror vtubers headed by @MuseMallow & @MsXicko & they've got heart rate monitors on but it's because April is Move More Month according to the @/American_Heart Association & it's not for a bit it's for a fitbit, @SirennaVT is getting a mop out the backrooms & is charging up her ult, shit's nasty, you can't just cast "mend butthole" as an area of AOE effect, @ZoUul_Spindle is there, they're spinning on "it" & by "it" i mean of course the web they're making on the ceiling, they drop down from above onto ppl & cocoon them into living dakimakura wait is that a merch idea write that down write that down, there's the artist alley shoppers who have ita bags full of pins & shopping bags of acrylic stands & they start chucking them like shuriken & the convention staff are so angry at all the trash fuck the venue is never gonna let us have another offkai fuck it if this is the last they're gonna join the melee too (final fantastic tactics advance destination no items but you are allowed to use a vehicle like the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn't allowed to take a pic with it [because he can't HAVE nice things]) but wait, the artists are out here using their wacom art tablets to do some type of needle jitsu, the clip farmers are out there, all 67 of them, putting pixel sunglasses on everyone, the Capcut servers are going to explode, the shorts feed has fallen, my fyp is poisoned, there's a platoon of tactical maid girls with cat ears & they're strapped & they've got a skunk girl leader in a nun habit who says "spray & pray" #OCDoNotSteal while the idols start singing, busting windows into shards of glass that the wotagei dancers start wielding & somebody gets fucking gutted to the World Chaos Mix, we've got fucking @oblivionvtuber who is rallying together the international babiniku community, forget "come to brazil" brazil came to us, & they're jiggling & wiggling so hypnotically oh fuck we didn't even notice the thing in their pants was straight up a pistol fuck, we've got the PNGtubers just being aggressively valid & shit, & oh my god in 3D it's the 3D tubers led by @NextTimeTriple0 & he's just standing there menacingly, surrounded by the traps we ripped from Home Alone 1: Babe: Pig In The Tale of Two Kitties, there's gachopon capsules filled with gazpacho #gazpachopon & you know Live2D vtubers love cold soup, but what was in the gazpacho capsules originally, you guessed it, itasha kei truck micro machines & each of them is an itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt that he is not allowed to take a pic with (because they are too small & he is too big & they are collector's items not toys & mom said it's my turn with the micro machines) & ppl are slipping on the micro machines & every doorknob from San Jose to San Diego is piping hot, but the worst thing @/NextTimeTriple0 has ever done, he mixed a pot of fake puke at home & then he went to OffKai, hid the puke in his belly, climbed up to the balcony, & then, t-t-then, he made a noise like "hua, hua hua, huaaaaa" & then he dumped it all over the side of the balcony, all over the ppl in the fight below, & then, it was horrible, all the combatants started getting sick & throwing up all over each other, he'd never felt so bad in his entire life, but war is hell & I'm beginning to like this kid, ma, but @ZephHaathun isn't grossed out by the barf & is so small that in 2D he can just slip past the traps, & he gets to @/NextTimeTriple0 but before he can land the hit, @/NextTimeTriple0 casts ZA WARUDO in za Warudo app on Steam, holy shit he's his own goddamn JJBA stand, & his ZA WARUDO CASTS ZA WARUDO oh fuck he's running this shit using redstone in Minecraft Mobile out the Minecraft-mobile, he's just doing tricks on it, posting cubes in chat like the aliens putting monoliths on planets in 2001: A Space Odyssey.mp4, @/ZephHaathun screams "our age of live2d is collapsing," in fluent Gnomish, his scarf getting soaked w/ cold 'pach, natch, but we're collapsing because we keep slipping on @Utterneer's pebbles that keep falling off him they're painted with a really slick paint & they have googly eyes & they're very cute so not only are they a tripping hazard they also make you feel guilty on the inside (fun side project quest: go draw a smiley face on a post it note & give it a name & then tear it up you'll feel like SHIT lol do it you won't meanwhile our grandparents were out fighting wars and digging trenches and we can't tear a post it note in half bc we get parasocial with it,) the 3D menace can't be stopped they're being kept hydrated by @SlushyWater52 who is sponsored by 7/11 they have an official UNflavor named after him & it's just water, but the ppl love it, they're not gonna take the granita for granted also they're starting to post fem art of him on the tag #granita "can we get Gs in the chat for granita" he asks & ppl throw $100 bills it's absolute chaos ppl are going nuts over the rain of money Dan Clancy is just sitting in the corner the hype train has hit level 177013 but @/SlushyWater52 ain't mushy he's stone cold it's so sick fuck where in the rules does it say a hoodie VRoid can't get a multibilliondollar sponsorship, meanwhile, there's a bunch of uma musume trainers at offkai because of @WISETheAWL #TheresAHorseInThisHouse getting a voice role in the uma matsutake anime as the guy getting his hair cut from season one who gets isekaied by an itasha kei truck decorated to look like @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (bc my mom said so) & the uma miasma trainers are getting spooked by the shenanigans & start trampling, they're making a death mill like the reindeer & going in a circle which ends up acting as a summoning circle calling forth @/MarshalSwampson to the convention itself & boy is he steamed because he weas in the middle of recording a video essay & the uma museum summoning circle was actually a faerie circle spawning eldritch mushrooms that spawned @/MarshalSwampson but now @/MarshalSwampson has faerie wings & he's leaving pixie dust all over the place & boy is @/MarshalSwampson steamed because he's going to finding glitter in all his crevices (crevii?) for months so he's about to go sicko mode but luckily he is also wearing a heart rate monitor for the fitbit bit & it's a tracker with location sharing meaning that @/ChaoEntertain can call up @commissar_v who says "i'm going commissar-mando" & he's fully in the nude driving a helicopter without a helmet & he picks up @HydraDreams & @/HydraDreams confronts @/MarshalSwampson who says "i am inevitable" & @/HydraDreams says "you are actually fae & there is only one weakness the fae have" before he pulls out his secret weapon & says "iron" & it's a colt & Marshal is no longer confirmed for brawl, & when @commissar_v went to park his helicopter in the garage next to the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (because the kei truck is allergic to flash) @/commissar_v got shanked by two @MintFantome cosplayers in the parking lot like the prophecy foretold bc you see @/commissar_v spends all his twitch earnings at various short seers across the country, small mediums at large, & statistically one of them had to be correct about something but it's okay because @/commissar_v & @/MarshalSwampson both made it to the hospital because the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic with it (bc i said so) can hold them in the truck bed bc i don't want blood getting on my nice interior of my itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who is not allowed to take a pic of it (because it is not a touching toy or a looking toy), but meanwhile, @kreebi_x is actively being interviewed by @/TrickcoG & asks if this is what all American VTuber conventions are like & @/TrickcoG is like yeah this one's kinda tame actually, & then somebody just straight up drinks @/kreebi_x it's gore of my comfort character in NVIDIA DLSS5 upscaled chopped & screwed with the 808 3Oh!3 remix ft. Sonic & Dante from Devil May Cry, but it's just getting started, because who rolls up, it's not the juggalos, it's not the illuminati, & it's not the Tooth Fairy or the Queen of England, it's the ban tubers, the vtubers based on IPs they haven't licensed, oh, the humanity, oh, the copyright violations, they've got 灰色のガンダルフと白のガンダルフ、モンティ・パイソンと聖杯の黒騎士、ベニート・ムッソリーニ、ブルー・ミーニー、カウボーイ・カーティス、ジャンビ・ザ・ジーニー、ロボコップ、ターミネーター、キャプテン・カーク、, & ダース・ベイダー, even 血痕のついたセーターを着たミスター・ロジャース, #AllAccordingToKeikaku #TNKeikakuMeansPlan & they've got built in fanbases giving them an unfair advantage against the rest of the VTubers, & speaking of fans, oh, the hu-fan-ity, they've reconstituted @/bookofvtubers page by page, he looked like he'd been shredded in a paper shredder but these colors don't run except they do because he's ink on pages but whatever we saved a backup, they're printing him out using @TobynJacobs printer which was on the industry showcase floor but in their hubris they accidentally printed him out using @/hazmatvt as ink because @/hazmatvt got into the toner cartridge because he thought it was a tasty snack of gazpacho (you know Hazardous Matthew Vermont loves a cold refreshing SOUP) & now he's a giant book bigger than the convention center & the cosplay first-aid volunteers are sewing the book binding together, oh god, look at that subtle off-white coloring, the tasteful thickness of it, oh, my God, it even has a watermark, kinda like my itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt which he isn't allowed to take a pic with (because the wrap is still drying) & ppl keep adding pages to the book, & the printer runs out of ink & we think it's finally over but who is that over there oh no it's @/EmileBorel the fr*nch mathematician & he's postulating that an infinite number of shitposters shitposting independently & at random on twitter for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text including the full unabridged longer & uncut @/BookofVTubers & he's so big now fuck, that now, @/BookofVTubers reaches all the way to Australia & finally @KaiGNikkiVTuber's hope of a VTuber convention in Australia comes true but sadly he gets straight up bitten by a funnel-web spider VTuber (in Minecraft) who lowkey stole their model from @/ZoUul_Spindle & has to go to the hospital & there's a bit of a line so he gets a Big Ben Pie & ouch oof he forgot to blow on the pie & now he's got a burned mouth so he goes to get some wontons & he gets arrested by @/bookofvtubers for the crime of enjoying a succulent Chinese meal & unfortunately for him @/manuelofarms knows his judo well so he gets him in a headlock which is ironic given @/manuelofarms is a floating head & has no arms but @/KaiGNikkiVTuber is committed to kayfabe & professionalism so plays along with it & goes to Super Australia the prison continent that Australians are sent to, & @GuardianAngelVT is disappointed New Zealand was still left off the OffKai map #mapswithoutnewzealand but it's okay because Lemon & Paeroa has decided to sponsor their own VTubers just like KiwiBank's green sheep & the Lemon & Paeroa VTuber twins are world famous in New Zealand partially because ppl are saying it should be Lemon & Auckland Municipal Water but we all agree it's pretty kino you can drop the Lemon & Paeroa bottle on their head using the Twitch Integrated Throwing System & they do a glow worm tour ASMR "confessing how much YOU love ME in the glow worm cave 3DIO ASMR" which tbh didn't need to be made because it's not like it's not public information that we all love an ice cold ell & pee with a hot steak & kidney pie, neph, & we now have to explain to our parents why the cartoon guys on the telly are being interviewed by Stuff also we're all 90% sure we know who is voicing the bottle bros that's right it's definitely Flight of the Conchords but the world isn't ready for that they don't understand how New Zealand rolls they don't know about the exploding trousers of the 1930s en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Explod… but that's okay they're good lads they like our Zespri it's just too bad that OffKai is happening at the height of the kiwi picking season because the packhouses are stuffed but don't worry they're showing the OffKai footage on the telly turn on the TV any channel, & right now, it's look like @/bookofvtubers is gonna win but we're pulling out some Frank Herbert ahh Daniel & Marty shit because I was stuck in the Dune trenches for 5 hours a few nights ago anyway so @/bookofvtubers is about to subsume all VTubing as we know it & what do we do well we do the one thing a VTuber never would do we stream, we stream like hell, & what do we stream, not GTAVI because we can't figure out how to use capture cards because scuff so what we do anyway is we stream & we all get one or two viewers maybe but anyway so what happens is we force @/popeyesshrimp to get in the mech "no dad i don’t wanna" i'm not your real dad & don't call me shirley, we force @/popeyesshrimp to start piloting a Live4D VTuber model because he’s OUR SHINJI we took a vote (no hospital scene though dw he’s cool) & everybody raids into @/popeyesshrimp debut & this is thousands of raids which means Twitch is pushing @/popeyesshrimp to the top of the front page & for the 1rd time in its life @Twitch is helping ppl discover a small streamer & @/popeyesshrimp is freaking out as the number goes up & the PC breaks but it's okay we got sponsors coming in clutch & of course we get the Lenovo Yoga Slim 7i Ultra Aura Edition 388h x9 with the Seashell Edition finish set up & it's a Seashell Edition finish but @/popeyesshrimp is just getting started literally hasn't even finished the first slide which is just his name & social links (his logo is in Comic Papyrus because that's all we had money for in the budget), he forgot to add VTube Studio as a source, it's OVER, because he keeps saying "sorry for being nervous" he’s streaming from a folding chair with his head in his hands & a spotlight on him & there’s these chunks of black stones with glyphs on them hmm sure sounds like vtubing to me #reallymakesyouthink #reallymakesyoustink #garlicbeans & then apologizing for apologizing but ppl are loving it, they think it's a bit, they think he's the most polite streamer of all time, we're so back, the community that was fighting at OffKai is now uniting to support somebody, everybody from the PNGtubers to the 3Dtubers, everyone from the seisoest idols to the lewdest of tubers, they're all there, they're buying merch, they’re buying exclusive wraps for their itasha kei trucks & I’m lowkey considering replacing the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn’t allowed to take a pic with it (bc of The Law) but I can’t afford for my insurance rates to go up so I politely decline not that anyone asked me #rude but anyway the economy is fixed from the merch sales & leaders of every country & faith register for Twitch so they can Knock & do Shared Chat with @/popeyesshrimp who has accidentally modded me, the girl with the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn't allowed to take a pic with it (bc he's going to go goblin mode again,) & by modded, haha, I mean messed with my genome & now I'm an akira blob until @/popeyesshrimp uses /unmod & now I'm back to squid but I've seen horrors oops, while @/popeyesshrimp's model reveal has only JUST showed his knees and when the thighs are hit, the global CCV records & follow records are broken & now because @/BookofVTubers which was sealed up & bound by the book stitchers on the cosplay first-aid crew is simultaneously physically complet" & on a metaphorical metaphysical level, extremely incomplete as it's missing the biggest VTuber of all time, there's Futurama rules like that episode with the brain in the library #spoileralert & @/BookofVTubers pops out of existence & this time gets printed as a three ring binder of a manageable size & @/hazmatvt is back but now he's stuck in australia like that one snail that if it touches me i die not because of the reddit post about that mean stalker snail just because i'm allergic to a specific snail that lives in australia his name is Jimothy Snailsman & he is predebut not a nice guy lowkey toxic, anyway, everything is okay, & the most important thing is, i rolled up to offkai in the itasha kei truck of @/hazmatvt who isn't allowed to take a pic with it (bc we don't have the perms) & anyway that's how i think jojo's bizarre adventure should end, any questions? #NeverStopTyping #NeverStopWiping