@pennymacker

I know why the caged bird drinks. https://xitter.cf/t.co/sozrAgOyqo

Joined January 2017
  • Tweets19.7K
  • Following1.5K
  • Followers1.6K
95Media
The cannibals feed me corn and call me “Wagyu,” a sign, I believe, of respect.
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Jerry Lock, pallbearer for hire@jlock17Oct 10
I like studying philosophy to find answers to complex questions like whether it’s acceptable to wear a trench coat to a nude beach and flash people.
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barrel rolls@barrel_rolls22h
everything’s coming up liberty biberty
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RunwayDan
@RunwayDanJul 29
I am, in fact, precisely the right age for this shit.
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One flew over@realcuckoosnestOct 25
Liar liar France on fire.
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OhThatGregPorter@oh_porterOct 24
John Candy is a really bad euphemism for a urinal cake.
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Annie Hatfield
@AnneHatfieldVOOct 25
I have deleted Facebook, which means I will no longer know who died fatter than I am, or later than I'd hoped.
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Sean 😐@sergebombaOct 24
The Headless Horseman does Uber *and* Lyft now. This economy… #MeTVThreeStooges
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Wilde Thingy (new account)@Wilde_ThingyOct 24
No matter how many times you call me a heartless monster, I can't un-eat your pet rabbit.
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FR4CKER@fr4ckerjackOct 24
I love when my smartest followers like my dumbest jokes
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Natasha Something@IfIwassomethingOct 24
The long twisty tale about why your brain is referred to as a noodle ends with tomato sauce and fresh basil.
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Natasha Something@IfIwassomethingOct 22
Earning a CDL just to drive that loaded Pepperidge Farm truck away from the factory and never look back.
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldMay 1
*gets into an existential debate with CAPTCHA*
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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterOct 21
The wifi in this dude's murder shed fucking sucks
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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterOct 24
Cats would never snitch on you. They will absolutely steal from you though.
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Henry 3000
@Henry_3000Oct 24
I simply lack the work ethic, diligence and eye for detail that serial killing requires.
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Henry 3000
@Henry_3000Sep 26
Gardening sounds kinda lame. I prefer to say that I raise and slaughter my own vegetables.
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you already know@DrinkingDad_2Aug 28
Not a lot of babies named Stonewall anymore.
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FR4CKER@fr4ckerjackOct 24
"There's been a struggle here." - detective inspecting the chair where I put my socks on
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Toby 🇵🇸@tobestewartOct 24
Me: [*waking up from a nap*] Sir David Attenborough, whispering behind my couch: “Nobody knows why the adult males live so long”
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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterOct 24
Offering everyone at work a slice of gum just to be annoying
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